累

我已經累壞了。失去的東西也不能挽回。已經太遲了。隨著時間的過去，我們的愛情也變得越來越複雜。

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Yes, it's so bad to be depressed. To feel an anger and rage swirling around in the depths of your brain that radiates out your limbs and makes you want to break a bone or two, all the while singing "He will come and save you" in your head. To hear that sigh, to know it means "No.. not this again" and to feel an emptiness all around you. Not just within you but around you, as though those who are meant to be there really don't want to be, and you are physically alone. When I hear that sigh, I just want to run as fast as I can and as far as I can, so that I burden nobody with this shit that I'm going through? Sounds so ridiculous and self pitying, but it's the truth. It's so hard to live in this place with this body and this mind and not feel that either I need to have my own apartment or that he needs to move out.

I'm going to run away.

Sunday Nights

Sunday nights are a little like family nights right now, and it's such a blessing. No, it's not my family and it's not Ivan's family, but they are our family in Christ. It's really Ian's family, and they've welcomed us into their home with such gusto.. every Sunday there's a home cooked meal by Uncle Poh Suan that just speaks volume about how hospitable they are. They've hosted us every week for as long as Alpha has been going (with a few weeks in between where they're away, or we can't make it) but it's been so awesome to be at their house that even on the weeks when we're not having Alpha per se, we still go over to hang out. It's become a Sunday night routine that I don't think I'll ever be willing to give up. That's our family away from home.

Funny Quotes of the day!

Me: Can you say something to make me swoon?
Ivan: Wtf? Doesn’t swoon have the same meaning as swell? Can you make me swell??
Me: nnNNGnFNFFFfGGNNN!!!!

Later...

Me: I wish I had abs.
Ivan: Everyone has abs. Seriously. Everyone. They're just underneath. looks at me Except maybe you. immediately lowers his head for imminent clawing to begin
And of course, instead of clawing him, I burst out in laughter at how well I've trained him.

If today could be the only day in my life where I get to be in a different universe, in a different realm as a different problem, and I get to shed my life, just for a day, it'd be today.

It's been a long time since I've felt this kind of tiredness take over my body and my soul. I simply cannot move.

I would like to leave. I would like to leave.

Who is this Lord?

Who is this Lord, who knows me so. Who is this Lord who has taken away all anguish and all pain from my body and my mind, even after I tried everything before Him and did not turn to Him? When all the drugs in the world and all the therapy and all the human comfort in the world did nothing to change my life, He gave me His breath of life, and I am reborn. There are just so many things I have too many words for, too many thoughts I cannot pen quickly enough, and everyday my life and my mind are filled with a myriad of praises for His good word, for His good love and for His amazing and perfect will. God just brings me to my knees, and yet He raises me up. Everything in my life, good or bad in the initial have all worked out exactly as He intended. Perhaps not in the way He intended, but He has brought me closer to Him each time. Every issue I have tried to skirt, every pain I thought would not be healed, He has taken them all under His wing and changed my life. I cannot, simply cannot convince myself that Jesus, my Lord and saviour, does not exist. My mind, my body, my soul and my spirit cannot comprehend this concept any longer, no matter the foul depths of hell I might be in. I have experienced His living waters, and there is no turning back. This is my life, this is my God, this is everything I am meant to be. Amen.

I guess in some way I miss my university years? The early ones, at least. 1st, 2nd and even 3rd year. But everything after was pretty much hell. Even falling in and out of love was hell.. everything before was freedom and pure self indulgence, which is why I guess I miss it. It's hard to be at the point now where I do things simply because I want to. Everything is a reason to do the "right" thing and not what I want. It's too easy to be bad and too difficult to be good, but I guess that's where God comes in.

When people stop talking to me for ages and ages, and if I've made conscious efforts time and again to contact them, I just kinda give up. I don't like being a backseat friend.

In a way, I detest that your music is exactly what I like. Because then I can never erase you. And because I cannot erase you, I cannot reverse my life to what it was like before you appeared. What a dilemma hey? You think I'd be more concerned about things like getting a job.. or.. figuring out the purpose of my life.. but no. I'm sitting here indulging myself in auditory goodness and feeling absolutely disgustingly guilty for it. Particularly because my partner is not willing in the least. But then again we don't share musical commonality, so that's not a surprise, either way.

I just keep hoping that your heart opens.

I've never wanted so badly to be different. Or perhaps I have and I've simply forgotten. I think at the time it was more an issue of existence, rather than projecting my being onto another person's existence. It's not so much that I want to be like any one particular person I meet, but I'd rather be a mash of them all. When I adore my friends, I want to be like them. In some ways, I feel it's a shabby means of drawing one's identity. It falls apart too quickly and there are too many variables. Too many ideals and too many people to idealise. And soon it starts to feel like despair, not knowing and always being confused about who you want to be. It's not that I don't like who I am, don't get me wrong, but there's always the allure of being someone else and living some other life. It's more about not being yourself, even if just for a moment. And soon enough the moment will be gone, and you'll go back to trudging through your daily life and enjoying the little things that make you who you are - like mopping the floors at 4 am and knowing very thoroughly that it's a very you thing to do.

On a side note, it's gotten to the point now where if I tell Alex that I'm not at work for the day, he says "okay, sorry, get back to cleaning". Am I that predictable? I guess I just can't help myself, but I do feel very good about cleaning up most of the house today. I actually got the kitchen cupboard organizing done today, which I've been putting off and off and off. But it really only took about ten minutes and just all the willpower in the world. It feels so good that it's done though! It's like ripping off a band aid. You just put it off and off and off and then when it's done you realise you should have just done it earlier because it was so easy! And it made you feel so good! But this is a concept that is lost on Ivan. It's difficult to get him to do ANY housework. And I wouldn't mind doing it all if we were married and he was supporting me. I mind a little bit now that I'm doing it all, but I really don't think I would if we were husband and wife. I'm old fashioned, but to me it's probably my "duty". Having a maid would be nice, just to get the grungy stuff out of the way, then I get to focus on organizing, which is really my forte.

I'm pretty tired today. I managed to organize, dust, sweep and vacuum the living room, ditto on the kitchen (including organizing the kitchen cupboard shelves according to appropriate food categories) and cleaning the toilet bowl and wiping the veneers. Of course, the whole time I was cleaning the toilet bowl I was having a conversation with myself in a full British accent. Very reminiscent of the days I used to walk home from school and argue with myself in British accents. A little insane, but it did help me practice my oral skills back then and I attribute my keenness on the accent to practicing so much. And it helps me affirm that I'm crazy as well. That's always a useful trait to have on hand.

"Why did you not pay your rent?"
"Oh, you know. I'm crazy."
"Oh, I see. Well, alright then."

There's still so much to do, but I feel better about today. I'm not sure why I ended up feeling so lost but there really is just too much to do, and I'm spending too much time avoiding doing it all.

Time to start the daily grind.

See? The moment I admitted the problem was there, it kinda tried to resolve itself! God has created something really marvelous in the way the world works.

Revelation

Here are some things about me I never knew:

1. I like money. But not directly. Because I like buying things, and that requires money, I indirectly like money.

2. I have my ways of getting it, which may or may not be conscious.

3. I have something in me that makes people want to spend money on me, although for the moment is limited to mostly family members that love me very much. Something about me makes people willing to part with their money.

4. If I work on it conscientiously, learn how to read people, toughen up and work hard, I can get people to give me their money.

5. I can make it as a realtor, given my honest nature, effervescent personality and good ethics.

I might have a future after all!

A couple of these things were a little shocking for me, but I guess looking at the big picture's the important thing. It's hard to reconcile how I feel about myself these days.. I'm probably at an all time low as far as self confidence goes. I'm almost unsure of my ability to have ANY kind of real job.. and this is including office administration jobs. I just don't believe I can do any of these things well. I have fears these days of being robbed on streets, pickpocketed, and of getting fired from any job I apply to.

Why am I surrounded by fear?

To top all things off, (and this is the first time I'm admitting it) I think I'm drifting a little further from God everyday. I'm forgetting what it means to be a child of God, and what His promises are. It's not that I'm starting to lose my belief that God exists. That will probably be the one thing in my life I will ALWAYS believe (the evidence is just too great), but I certainly don't know what it means anymore.

There are just too many things I need to do.. and the problem is that I think too much about doing things, and don't spend enough time DOING them. PITA.

Feel more lost than ever. I don't know where to begin. Life? Boyfriend? Career? Money? Job? School? Family?

About this job thing, it's not that I don't want a job. It's not that I don't want to go and just kickstart my life and go back to get a masters in education or my real estate license or any of those things, but it is very frustrating for me when people try to tell me what to do. Why does it have to be that if I want to do any of these things, I have to be pushed into it by people who are not even prevalent in my life? I don't want to do these things for anybody else. As and when I choose to do them, it will be for me, and I'll be extremely sure that these are the things I want to do and that I am doing them for myself and nobody else. I spent 5 years doing something for somebody else, and now I'm ready to start doing things for me. So I am not procrastinating, I am waiting patiently for the time when the excitement of telling me what to do dies down for everybody else and I get to decide for myself what I'm doing and what I want to do. And I'm not imagining anything. My mum has forcefully told me that I owe her and I need to do these things by a certain date. I'm not angry about it but I do feel very much like she is still trying to control me. But I think I have made it very clear that I am not going to be pushed into it. In the meantime, why is it that I can't do small, simple jobs?

I'm also very frustrated at my relationship. This, I'm less willing to talk about. And because of that, I am becoming more and more unclear at what is going on. I need to sit down somewhere, write about it and think it through on my own.

Everything put together is really driving me to the point where I don't even want to run away and escape. I want to be a different person altogether. I guess that is an escape in its own way, although if I leave, I will not think of coming back. Sometimes I just get so angry at how things have been put together in my life. I want to redo a lot of things, undo a lot of hurt and give myself a better shot at life. I think I've had enough of this crap.

The Bitching.

I'm not even sure what I would have to say about this now, and everything that I initially thought I wanted to say, on hindsight, just makes me seem like I'm being defensive. I am probably only going to highlight the couple of things that led to this problem, or rather, this resolution and let the rest remain the way it is. No need to dig up dirty laundry that doesn't need to be aired, right?

1. I was trying to be nice. He talked to me first and offered to do me a favour with which I really needed help. So I thought I'd be nice back and invite him to hang out in a group. Can't see where I'm wrong here.

2. You were spending all your time pretending to be happy as a single person dating rich hot guys with lots of money. If I was really your friend, which I've always been, why was it so hard to tell me the truth? One honest line from you and I would probably not even have talked to him if you wanted me to. But it is what it is.

3. High school much?

Inertia

It's too easy, too easy to get sucked into the despair that accompanies unemployment, lack of job prospects, bills to pay and no hope for a stable future anytime soon. It's too easy to be jealous of all the girls out there getting 20K a month from their parents to travel, eat drink sleep and be merry, and on top of that they live in gorgeous houses and will never have to worry about paying a mortgage. It is too easy to despair and too difficult to be just right. I really hate money and dealing with it. Having, owing, spending, saving, earning.. none of these things are easy and I feel like so many people can't relate, and the ones that can are doing okay. It's mostly me. I don't like to talk to people who would understand these problems because I just fall into the motions of silence. It sucks to stay home, it sucks to go to a job that doesn't pay well, it sucks to need a place to live and the fear of being homeless. It feels like I'm a little out of options. I have bills to pay, household chores to do, work to do, skills to learn, a job to get, and nothing is falling into place.

If problems were raindrops, I'm definitely in a rainstorm.

I'm so mad about so many things right now, or perhaps mad isn't the right word. Sometimes when I take a bath I just want to duck under and not come up. I want the silence that comes when water fills my ears and to feel that pang in my chest just go away. It is difficult to be anything, even dead.

You're gonna need a new TV.

Alex: Do you like futureshop? Or Bestbuy?

DAMN IT! GO CELTICS!!!!

Familial Obligations

If there is one thing that I understand least about Ivan, it's probably his lack of concern regarding opinions of his family members. About a lot of things and most certainly regarding his relationships. He hides a lot from them, perhaps not in a rude or defiant way, but he feels that his life is his own and therefore any decisions he makes regarding any aspects of his life are his own to make. Which is not untrue, this holds a lot of weight, but as someone who came from a family where familial opinions are important, where any decision I make is not really my own to make and my seniors are upset if I don't heed their advice (given out of love), it's hard for me to understand how he can so easily say that it is his own problem. Really, are the decisions we make "our own problem"? They do affect those around us, especially when our loved ones have to watch us make mistakes. But I suppose that for the simple things such as music choices, it's really out of love that our parents and elders should allow us to make our mistakes. I don't really know how to reconcile this. If his parents were to oppose our getting married, I wouldn't do it, even though Ivan says that it's his choice, I'm his life and this is the way he wants to have it. He says it's our problem and not that of his parents or family members. But I don't think that I could join a family where I'm not wanted, and I'd have to concede that his family must see something that they deem unsuitable. It would be unfair and unwise to ignore what they say for the sake of "love". It's not love to ignore good advice. But, I am grateful for his sincerity and his commitment, it makes my days fresh and my love renewed. This is, after all, a day and age where the cheating spouse is a rampant issue. I am glad to have Ivan.

I don't know why, but every time Ivan leaves Vancouver, I IMMEDIATELY become bored. Even before he leaves on the plane, I'll find myself really restless. I don't know what to do with myself, and I wish that all the things that need to be done while he's away would just get done, such as the housework. I hate doing housework when he's away, but it's the only thing other than applying for jobs that I think would suffice as jobs for my spare time. It is truly a pain in the ass. But I don't want to complain, I just want to get things done. I think the real problem lies in the fact that after 2 days, when he returns, I know it's going to go back to the state it was in. I don't know why my inertia is so high when he's around, and why I'm okay with mess and grime when he's here. It's horrid! I'm not okay with it, really, but it just happens to be there and I just happen to live with it. Which is basically being okay with it, I suppose.

I will clean the house when he is away. And I hope he'll help me keep it clean when he returns. In the meantime, since there are only so many things I can do, I shall try to go out and keep my mind as sane as possible. I NEED TO GET PAID, COME NOW, THURSDAY.

Also, the place I work for keeps calling me to tell me there's no work. This is very troubling because they did promise a certain number of hours of work and now it's not happening. I don't know whether or not to kick up a fuss.

King Kong?

Ivan: "Godzilla is an iguana?? I thought he was a monkey. Oh wait, that's King Kong."

The Science of Loneliness

It's strange to be alone. It's strange to lose your best friend to distance, to both be falling in love and not know a thing about each other's love lives. It's sad to be so far away, both physically and emotionally, to have lost touch with each other in more ways than one, but saddest of all, it's sad to grow old apart.

It's really difficult to have a best friend who doesn't keep in touch with you! :(

Some days I confuse myself. I feel so alone because nobody seems to care much, but at the same time, those who are caring are really just bothering the crap out of me. Leave me alone! I don't need your do-gooder advice. The view is just lovely from where I am.

Sometimes I wonder why the ache in my heart is so severe and prominent. I don't want to love you if it hurts this much. I don't want to be the one who loves you more. I don't want to live like this.. Is it wrong for me to expect more sensitivity from you during this time when you know I'm in pain and fear?

I too, want to go away..

UBC Fail

I am so tired of sub-standard teaching assistants. I am also very very tired of UBC Professors not reciprocating the effort that students put into their homework. It is unfair for me to spend >10 hours per assignment to have you spend 1 minute telling me that because my FINAL answer of my FINAL question is wrong, I only deserve 50% on the assignment. What the fuck is this shit?! When you have this kind of a marking scheme, don't try to give me that bullshit about TA's hours being distributed evenly. WHY the FUCK would it take them 2 hours to mark the assignments of 80 students when all they're doing is putting a tick next to the final NUMERICAL answer? Why should I bother writing a 150 word summary of my methodology if you're not even going to look at it? Isn't the point of the methodology so that you don't have to look at my code? Isn't that already enough as far as a simplification of the marking process?! You bloody lazy fuckers!

And YOU, PROFESSOR. I come to you with my dilemma. Every student in 2nd year that gets a copy of the one student's homework, the one student who finished the only problem you're going to mark, they all get 100%. Don't fucking give me the excuse that you can't curb cheating. You know what you CAN do? MARK FAIRLY. Seriously, why are your TAs putting such shit effort in, and wtf are you doing in the meantime? Also, if I come to you about this, I EXPECT YOU TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Don't tell me that you can't curb cheating and there's nothing you can do about my grade. FIX THE PROBLEM, DAMN YOU! Every other prof would, what's wrong with you?!

I've never been in a class where I pump 10+ hours into the assignment and get a 50%. This is probably the SHITTIEST and laziest marking scheme I have ever come across in my whole academic career. And the fact that you arbitrarily take 50% off my final grade for the assignment because you were too lazy to read through my answer really pisses me off.

Piece of shit. Don't make me argue with you over my grade again. Next time, I'll go for the beard and pull it right off your smug little face. You don't deserve to be a TA if you can't be bothered to work.

When does my real life start?

Why do I always feel like I'm in trouble?? I don't have bad spending habits, but I always have to feel bad about money I'm spending. This is why I cannot wait to start my real life.

Ooof, I had a terrible dream last night. We were all situated on some kind of military base, for God knows what reason, but really, it was more like university campus. Ivan and I were living in our own apartment (I WANT AN APARTMENT SO BAD) and Aileen, Lilian and Ivan were all there too. I can't remember too clearly now what was going on, but I know enough to say there was some kind of group work to be done which we were going to be tested on at the end of the free periods or whatever (so reminiscent of Crescent because we all just slacked off and at the end went "huh?! There's a test?!"), but it was really stupid because it was a test on sign language or something and apparently you had to learn all the sign language on your own. So, obviously a dream. Then I started asking Lilian what we were supposed to have learnt and I don't know what happened but we suddenly just started yelling our heads off at each other and got into a huge fight. The we're-never-gonna-be-friends-again kind of fight. Which reminded me of what Eejin said sooo many years ago about something she'd heard on the radio. The Djs had said that (and I remember distinctly she said it was chinese radio) if you dream about a bad relationship, it means you have a good relationship in real life. Which I think is bullcrap because I don't think Azlin and I have a good relationship and she's pretty witchy in my dreams. Anyway, so I stormed off back to my apartment where we continued to shout at each other.. I think Lilian followed me back or something.. ahha. And then Ivan came home and told me that once he graduated he was going to leave. So when Ivan came to wake me up for school, half in sleep, the conversation went something like this.

Bean: I'm angry!!
Ivan: Why? What happened?
Bean: You said you were going to leave after you graduate!! Why would you do that?! What about me??
Ivan: ....? HUH?!

Niddles

Vincent: 鐵杵磨成繡花針

Me: Yeah I know this phrase..

Vincent: it means big iron stick can be wear down to niddle

Fashion Literacy

Oh my goodness. Ivan and I are undergoing a massive clean up of the house, and it's really quite hilarious. He set his new shelf up about a week ago and then left it there to collect dust, and being the bean that I am, I took it upon myself to dig all his stuff out of his closet (which had been messily shoved in) and started to display, dust and shelve everything I could find. 20 minutes ago, I decided to revamp the closet, and then appeared all the bad clothes.

I had to sit there for 10 minutes explaining to Ivan why he should throw away one of his shirts. It's the dirtiest, raggiest polo I've ever seen in my life. it's a shit-brown-purple colour with a collar a mile high, straight as a piece of cardboard, with those intentional rips that make it look like his shirt had caught on fire one day when lightning struck him, and the patches here and there from overwashing which made it look like a hobo shirt. I HAD TO EXPLAIN THIS TO HIM. I almost blew my brains out trying to be nice about it, but I told him that even if he were to make it a home shirt, I would have to punch his face everytime I walk past him wearing that shirt. So he ruefully threw the shit-brown-purple one away and kept the exact same one, just in the apple green colour. I couldn't bring myself to make him throw both away because the look on his face was just about a mile long, but I almost shit my pants laughing about the whole matter because I couldn't believe I had to explain this hobo, 90s boyband shirt into the donation bin.

I just read him what I wrote and he said very indignantly "It's abercrombie and fitch OKAY". Hahahah, yeah, okay. It's still shit-ugly. Heeheehehehehe.

He's having the most stressful night of his life because I made him re-organize his closet. Say whhuuuutttt!! He should thank me. Although I did make him refold all his tshirts a thousand times because they weren't all perfect and straight and the same size.

First nosebleed of my life.

It's not even spontaneous. I was cleaning my nose (I felt like it was dirty) and accidentally scratched it really hard so now it's bleeding. It feels really awful. I feel like I need to scratch the other nostril in the same place now, but what's really driving me nuts is just how shocked I was to see clean, openly flowing blood coming from my nose. It feels raw. I feel like I have a tic and an itch and I NEED to scratch the other side but I really don't want to bleed from the other nostril. This is such a dilemma.

In other news, my midterm is tomorrow, for which my professor decided he would like to test us on 3/4 of the course material. Crazy nut. Plus it's a math intensive course with lots of formulas and we don't get a cheat sheet. That's terrible. I have been studying, but I feel like my brain might bust if I continue to look at the material. I have to do it though, I still have lots to go so I will pull myself together in a little bit. In the meantime, I gotta do something about my nose. IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS. There's the same sensation in my body as if someone were tickling me which I know will only go away when I stop FEELING WHERE MY NOSE WAS BLEEDING. And now I keep worrying that it's going to bleed some more. WHAT DO I DO

Ack... I hate money problems. Even buying a $30 bike poses a problem for me, much less the tuition fees, general life.... food. Pah. I hate money. If I could do one good thing for this world, I'd eliminate money. We should all just go back to trading salt but then I'd probably die because seriously, who knows how to farm salt these days anyway. Which kinda sucks because there's all these high fashion dresses on sale for $250, the need for a bike, furniture... food.

Saje Crystal Fresh Deodorant

I got really tired of my old fashioned roll-on deodorant stick because frankly, my armpits always feel goopy when I use it and it has a really strong smell, which mixes with sweat to become some other weird, very powdery aroma. It's not ineffective, it just feels very strange, so I decided to replace it with the Crystal Fresh Deodorant Stick from Saje. It costs 10 bucks, and since it's a mineral stick, I'm betting it's going to outlast my pits. In any case, it's scent-free, which I like, it's novel (the whole wetting the stick before vigorously rubbing it on my pits because I'm suspicious about whether or not I actually managed to get anything on) and so far, it's working. Of course, I haven't actually tried to go running in it or actually even go outside in it, but my house is usually the same temperature as a sauna and I've definitely perspired a little. No smell as yet! I'm excited to see how this works, mostly because I'm tired of staining the pits of my shirts and it's been really difficult to find an organic deodorant stick that actually works, but the reviews for this seem to be quite good. The other thing that the lady mentioned is that it might take awhile before I actually see results - a couple of weeks. But I had that ethicaldeal voucher for Saje, so I picked up some bath salts as well just to make sure I actually got something at the store that would definitely be useful (I've come across too many bogus products that I've had to throw out soon after buying). I might pick up the spray one for days when I don't feel like chafing my underarms.

I don't necessarily believe in the whole aromatherapy thing, but I'm quite happy to use products free of chemicals and metals. The only thing I've yet to compromise on is shampoo, but I did pick some organic, local shampoo and conditioner for Ivan from Scraps on Main street, and it seems to be doing okay, so I might switch when I empty my bottle of bumble&bumble. Good lord, am I turning into a hippie?

Wow slicing my fingers up really hurts.

So, I've got a pretty serious slash in my right index finger. And the finger condom thing didn't work to keep it dry while I was showering, which frankly, was really hard to do as well. The bummer thing is that it's such a small injury (meaning it's not quite on the same scale as breaking your hand) but it prevents me from writing, from showering properly, from sleeping (woke me up several times) and from cooking. Gaaaaahhhhhhh hate being injured.

The sting and the burn that is rejection.

It's really hard to leave your comfort zone, acquire new friends in a faraway place, change your lifestyle, your thoughts, the way you speak, then encounter losing all those friends (literally all) and then thinking you could find new friends through your boyfriend, doing everything you can to be on the same page as them, be hospitable to them, nice to them all the time, tolerate being the only one to not understand a word they speak and being told to "shut up" all the time, only to find out, you'll never really be a part of that group. They'll still just always be someone else's friends. If I didn't have any of my own friends left I wouldn't give a shit and I wouldn't be so sad about the fact that the people I thought I was actually becoming friends with are just.. well, what can I do? So here's my hiatus. My break. I'm pulling myself away from the group because it just fucking hurts that people are going out of their way to make me feel like I don't belong.

It's time for me to figure out who I am without friends - something really hard for me, since I've said that life would be meaningless without friends.

Impossible Germany

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

Wherever you go
Wherever you land
I'll say what this means to me
I'll do what I can

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

The fundamental problem
We all need to face
This is important
But I know you're not listening
Oh I know you're not listening

If this was still new to me
I wouldn't understand

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

But this is what love is for
To be out of place
Gorgeous and alone
Face to face

With no larger problems
That need to be erased
Nothing more important than to know
Someone's listening
Now I know
You'll be listening

Songs and their Effect

It's funny that all it takes it one song to remind me that I'm glad I didn't go to the grad ceremony last year. There would've been too many things that I would not have wanted to see, like you, like her, like people moving on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. There's the promise of graduation this year, but like all things, it feels lonely.

But really, this isn't about graduation. This is about those fateful days, and my impending doom. The fear of what would happen if one should ever find out the dark secrets I'm hiding, the impossibility of the future in my mind, the truths that elude me. Confound my greed.

Ivan the Disney Princess

While we were watching "Sleeping Beauty", at the scene where she walks to the forest and starts singing to the birds..

Ivan: Do you know that this is the movie that made me want to make my birds do that? I stuck my hand in their cage and they started freaking out and flapping all over the cage.

Me: OH MY GOD YOU WANTED TO BE A DISNEY PRINCESS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG!!!!!!! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!


P.S. I know the photo isn't of Sleeping Beauty, but I made him do the exact same hand pose as he did when he was talking (grudgingly, for the photo above) and that's the best matching disney princess photo I can find.

Tri-glycerides

Me: You're a stupid triglyceride!
Ivan: Is that a dinosaur?

In Bruges

Ken: Comin' up?
Ray: What's up there?
Ken: The view.
Ray: The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here.
Ken: Ray, you're about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn't, so it doesn't.

I'm in a very bad slump.

Fuck me. There's nobody around to witness my descent into madness, nobody I can cling onto for sanity. Where's everybody? Why is it so lonely in my world?

Crisis in Retrospect

I'm currently experiencing a high level of anxiety related to the fact that I just, without thinking too much about it, sent my resignation in to my employer. I don't know what she's going to think when she sees it or what she's going to say to me on tuesday, but there's been so much pressure on me to do it that wasn't going to go away without me actually going through with it. So as much as people say I had a choice, I didn't either. I can't live with this kind of anxiety and pressure on me, so it's better for me to choose the temporary anxiety of having to face her with this bomb of a problem than for me to go through the next 3 months with my family on my back. I agree with everything they said, it's just really hard for me to throw curveballs at people I feel obligated to, particularly when I can see the reasons why I would be making their lives difficult and the possible consequences. Still, it had to be done.

Anyway, so I realised I went on a shopping spree today to make myself feel better. I got 2 lipsticks from Mac and some hand creams from Crabtree and Evelyn - and a hand scrub for Ivan for our anniversary present. They threw in $28 worth of free stuff for our purchase, so I don't feel so bad. And I didn't buy anything useless, so I don't think I have anything to feel bad about.

At present, we've got 36 gigantic cookies sitting in our house from my cityflavr deal. 36 cookies. I think I'm going to have to freeze some of them or they'll just go stale. I'm cutting down on my sugars and upping my calcium intake, so it's unlikely that I'll be eating too many of those cookies, although there is calcium in milk chocolate. Anyway, it's a good addition to yoghurt, which is healthy, so I guess I can just take the good with the bad right? And dinner's on the stove, and I've got work waiting in my computer for me.

Ugh, need to make my hands stop shaking and my stomach stop churning.

Currently saving up for these:

Beats by Dr. Dre - Studio version. CAD$350

2 Years and Counting..

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you more than I can say or understand. I love that we're like an old married couple, but yet we talk of new and exciting things, like getting married, our first mortgage, children, adoption, as though they're such normal things. I love that you don't shirk away from the topic of commitment to me, and that you tell me I'm the one you want to spend the rest of my life with. I get mad at you and think about walking away sometimes, it's true, but I can't bring myself to. I don't know what a life without you would be like, miserable, probably. You make me laugh more than any person I know, and we talk so freely about stupid things. I love the way we go out in public and make ugly faces at each other just so we can laugh about the looks people are giving us. I love that you're independent and you don't think of your father's wealth as your own at all. I love the way you take care of your family, because I know that's the way you'll take care of ours.

I love you, because we're right for each other.

Oh, also, I love that I know you so well inside and out, because everytime you lie, it's probably not obvious to anybody but me. So, that helps a lot, cos I'll just call you out on it and you usually know there's no way out COS I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

What this really says is.. Slap Me.

After he decides to walk his knee into the dishwasher, this conversation follows:

I: AAAaaAAaAhHHhhHHhhhhhhh...
B: What?! What?!
I: I hit my funny bone!

And then, he immediately looks sweetly up at me and says this..

I: Did you like my pun? Fun-knee-bone?

PENGSAN!!!

Feeling rather proud of myself.

I actually churned through a bunch of Matlab code while at school today, and got it to work too. I'm a little stuck on the Engineering Application problem, but if I really can't figure it out by Wednesday I'll just hit up the TA's office hours and it'll all be good. But I am really feeling significantly proud of the fact that I am getting up when my alarm goes off and going to school. A lot of it really has to do with IW and how wonderful he is about sending me to the bus stop on school mornings and work mornings. And I know he would rather be at work earlier, so I really appreciate all the time he takes with me. I should really just tell him this to his face, but sometimes I don't know if he gets how sincere I'm being because he'll just change the topic to something else completely unrelated and it'll be as though he just glazed over what I said. So sometimes I feel like saying nothing at all is an easier way to be sincere.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little more confident about MATLAB this year, although I have to say that I really am not feeling the same way about Process Control. I've been really mulling over the "what if" I fail that class again. For the last time. I will be really pissed off, but I think that no matter what, I couldn't just drop out. It'd be one more class, I'd have the opportunity to focus on that one class and one class only, and I'd just work like hell the rest of the time to make up my rent money and all that. So that mum wouldn't have to worry about a thing. I feel so guilty when I think about how stretched out my education has been and what it's doing to her retirement fund. If I really do fail this class again, I'm going to just cut myself off from my family completely till its done. Sometimes, I need to be away from them, not because they're not encouraging, but because I need to be alone. I feel like they're always breathing down my neck, even when they're not. I feel the burden on my shoulders that is the expectation of me to graduate, and it makes me want to balk, even before the game has started. It's a pain in the ass.

Yeah, I really need more chocolate in this household. And milk. Apparently (and mum will kill me for this), I've got osteopenia. Gaaahhh!!

Djoko Susanto - You Make Me Feel Like Summer - Roman Foot Soldiers

Djoko Susanto - You Make Me Feel Like Summer - Roman Foot Soldiers

Super proud of Pria and his band! Plus, you know, it doesn't hurt that I totally love their music.

Ray Allennn!!!!

Yous my hero.

I need to clean my ears.

"These Kobe sixes will make you obese"

Wait, whaaat????

Oh right, "a beast".

Getting my Mac fixed!

Okay. So it turns out that I really owe my mum for getting AppleCare because the motherboard died and it would cost $750 to fix. So although I have to wait a day to get it back, I'm really glad I don't have to pay jack-all. And I'm glad I don't have to get the unibody Mac because I like mine much better. Yay!

Still, I was imagining life, barren without my Mac and I was lost. I'm too technologically dependent. Don't get a Mac. They're addictive.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Every Little Bit..

I really want one of these eco-friendly lunchbags! Mostly because I hate seeing I carry his lunch to work in a safeway bag. It's just so ghetto, and it doesn't fit in his work bag.

These laminated cotton canvas lunch sacks come in a variety of fun patterns for all ages. Avoid boredom at lunchtime by choosing a kid's lunch bag that's original and fun. Plus, its easy to clean.

* Fully insulated, with a hook-and-loop closure
* Card for ID information and a handle strap.
* Non-toxic and lead-free according to Canadian, European, and US standards.

Measures 10 x 6.5 x 4.5 inches.

Machine wash, line dry.

Here's their website.

But even more...

their Snack Taxis are awesome. I don't really have a good picture of one, but it's basically waterproof material on the inside so can eliminate ziplocks from your life. AND! They're $8! Imagine how much money you save on ziplocks. And, it's all machine washable, although of course handwashing is preferred. Waterproof interior lining. Plus they look so cute.. here's me, 3rd post and I'm already material lusting. Tchah.

On the way to school...

We're sitting in the car, singing along to another horrible badeyedpeas (I KNOW I KNOW THEIR MUSIC JUST SUCKS ALRIGHT?) song.. the one about "you're so 2000 and late"

B: Gotta-get-get..
I: That's Vera's line! Gotta kiet kiet.

I was speechless. BTW, kiet kiet is Vera's baby blanket, which she still has.

I don't believe in your world.

Here's the reason why I'm starting this blog. I'm tired of reading blogs where a person photospazzes and all it's really about is their lust, love, admiration, lore of things. Just photos and photos of their latest acquisitions, things they would like to acquire, and past things that can now be discarded, having outlived their usefulness. It's.. boring. Where's your personality? Your passion? Are you really that boring? Here, it's not that I don't occasionally love to take photographs of the things I own, but I'm not obsessed with them! Neither do I think my life revolves around the stuff I have and what I've done whether to get them, or along the way to getting them. But well, we shall see just how true I am to my scorn of others. Maybe I'll end up being a photospaz too.

Also, I kind of miss writing. I think having a blog really encouraged a lot of self discovery. So, let's see how I do now that I have an identity and a mind I really understand.