Inertia

It's too easy, too easy to get sucked into the despair that accompanies unemployment, lack of job prospects, bills to pay and no hope for a stable future anytime soon. It's too easy to be jealous of all the girls out there getting 20K a month from their parents to travel, eat drink sleep and be merry, and on top of that they live in gorgeous houses and will never have to worry about paying a mortgage. It is too easy to despair and too difficult to be just right. I really hate money and dealing with it. Having, owing, spending, saving, earning.. none of these things are easy and I feel like so many people can't relate, and the ones that can are doing okay. It's mostly me. I don't like to talk to people who would understand these problems because I just fall into the motions of silence. It sucks to stay home, it sucks to go to a job that doesn't pay well, it sucks to need a place to live and the fear of being homeless. It feels like I'm a little out of options. I have bills to pay, household chores to do, work to do, skills to learn, a job to get, and nothing is falling into place.

If problems were raindrops, I'm definitely in a rainstorm.

I'm so mad about so many things right now, or perhaps mad isn't the right word. Sometimes when I take a bath I just want to duck under and not come up. I want the silence that comes when water fills my ears and to feel that pang in my chest just go away. It is difficult to be anything, even dead.

I don't know why, but every time Ivan leaves Vancouver, I IMMEDIATELY become bored. Even before he leaves on the plane, I'll find myself really restless. I don't know what to do with myself, and I wish that all the things that need to be done while he's away would just get done, such as the housework. I hate doing housework when he's away, but it's the only thing other than applying for jobs that I think would suffice as jobs for my spare time. It is truly a pain in the ass. But I don't want to complain, I just want to get things done. I think the real problem lies in the fact that after 2 days, when he returns, I know it's going to go back to the state it was in. I don't know why my inertia is so high when he's around, and why I'm okay with mess and grime when he's here. It's horrid! I'm not okay with it, really, but it just happens to be there and I just happen to live with it. Which is basically being okay with it, I suppose.

I will clean the house when he is away. And I hope he'll help me keep it clean when he returns. In the meantime, since there are only so many things I can do, I shall try to go out and keep my mind as sane as possible. I NEED TO GET PAID, COME NOW, THURSDAY.

Also, the place I work for keeps calling me to tell me there's no work. This is very troubling because they did promise a certain number of hours of work and now it's not happening. I don't know whether or not to kick up a fuss.

The Science of Loneliness

It's strange to be alone. It's strange to lose your best friend to distance, to both be falling in love and not know a thing about each other's love lives. It's sad to be so far away, both physically and emotionally, to have lost touch with each other in more ways than one, but saddest of all, it's sad to grow old apart.

It's really difficult to have a best friend who doesn't keep in touch with you! :(

Some days I confuse myself. I feel so alone because nobody seems to care much, but at the same time, those who are caring are really just bothering the crap out of me. Leave me alone! I don't need your do-gooder advice. The view is just lovely from where I am.

Sometimes I wonder why the ache in my heart is so severe and prominent. I don't want to love you if it hurts this much. I don't want to be the one who loves you more. I don't want to live like this.. Is it wrong for me to expect more sensitivity from you during this time when you know I'm in pain and fear?

I too, want to go away..

The sting and the burn that is rejection.

It's really hard to leave your comfort zone, acquire new friends in a faraway place, change your lifestyle, your thoughts, the way you speak, then encounter losing all those friends (literally all) and then thinking you could find new friends through your boyfriend, doing everything you can to be on the same page as them, be hospitable to them, nice to them all the time, tolerate being the only one to not understand a word they speak and being told to "shut up" all the time, only to find out, you'll never really be a part of that group. They'll still just always be someone else's friends. If I didn't have any of my own friends left I wouldn't give a shit and I wouldn't be so sad about the fact that the people I thought I was actually becoming friends with are just.. well, what can I do? So here's my hiatus. My break. I'm pulling myself away from the group because it just fucking hurts that people are going out of their way to make me feel like I don't belong.

It's time for me to figure out who I am without friends - something really hard for me, since I've said that life would be meaningless without friends.