Familial Obligations

If there is one thing that I understand least about Ivan, it's probably his lack of concern regarding opinions of his family members. About a lot of things and most certainly regarding his relationships. He hides a lot from them, perhaps not in a rude or defiant way, but he feels that his life is his own and therefore any decisions he makes regarding any aspects of his life are his own to make. Which is not untrue, this holds a lot of weight, but as someone who came from a family where familial opinions are important, where any decision I make is not really my own to make and my seniors are upset if I don't heed their advice (given out of love), it's hard for me to understand how he can so easily say that it is his own problem. Really, are the decisions we make "our own problem"? They do affect those around us, especially when our loved ones have to watch us make mistakes. But I suppose that for the simple things such as music choices, it's really out of love that our parents and elders should allow us to make our mistakes. I don't really know how to reconcile this. If his parents were to oppose our getting married, I wouldn't do it, even though Ivan says that it's his choice, I'm his life and this is the way he wants to have it. He says it's our problem and not that of his parents or family members. But I don't think that I could join a family where I'm not wanted, and I'd have to concede that his family must see something that they deem unsuitable. It would be unfair and unwise to ignore what they say for the sake of "love". It's not love to ignore good advice. But, I am grateful for his sincerity and his commitment, it makes my days fresh and my love renewed. This is, after all, a day and age where the cheating spouse is a rampant issue. I am glad to have Ivan.

The Science of Loneliness

It's strange to be alone. It's strange to lose your best friend to distance, to both be falling in love and not know a thing about each other's love lives. It's sad to be so far away, both physically and emotionally, to have lost touch with each other in more ways than one, but saddest of all, it's sad to grow old apart.

It's really difficult to have a best friend who doesn't keep in touch with you! :(

Some days I confuse myself. I feel so alone because nobody seems to care much, but at the same time, those who are caring are really just bothering the crap out of me. Leave me alone! I don't need your do-gooder advice. The view is just lovely from where I am.

Sometimes I wonder why the ache in my heart is so severe and prominent. I don't want to love you if it hurts this much. I don't want to be the one who loves you more. I don't want to live like this.. Is it wrong for me to expect more sensitivity from you during this time when you know I'm in pain and fear?

I too, want to go away..

Fashion Literacy

Oh my goodness. Ivan and I are undergoing a massive clean up of the house, and it's really quite hilarious. He set his new shelf up about a week ago and then left it there to collect dust, and being the bean that I am, I took it upon myself to dig all his stuff out of his closet (which had been messily shoved in) and started to display, dust and shelve everything I could find. 20 minutes ago, I decided to revamp the closet, and then appeared all the bad clothes.

I had to sit there for 10 minutes explaining to Ivan why he should throw away one of his shirts. It's the dirtiest, raggiest polo I've ever seen in my life. it's a shit-brown-purple colour with a collar a mile high, straight as a piece of cardboard, with those intentional rips that make it look like his shirt had caught on fire one day when lightning struck him, and the patches here and there from overwashing which made it look like a hobo shirt. I HAD TO EXPLAIN THIS TO HIM. I almost blew my brains out trying to be nice about it, but I told him that even if he were to make it a home shirt, I would have to punch his face everytime I walk past him wearing that shirt. So he ruefully threw the shit-brown-purple one away and kept the exact same one, just in the apple green colour. I couldn't bring myself to make him throw both away because the look on his face was just about a mile long, but I almost shit my pants laughing about the whole matter because I couldn't believe I had to explain this hobo, 90s boyband shirt into the donation bin.

I just read him what I wrote and he said very indignantly "It's abercrombie and fitch OKAY". Hahahah, yeah, okay. It's still shit-ugly. Heeheehehehehe.

He's having the most stressful night of his life because I made him re-organize his closet. Say whhuuuutttt!! He should thank me. Although I did make him refold all his tshirts a thousand times because they weren't all perfect and straight and the same size.

Songs and their Effect

It's funny that all it takes it one song to remind me that I'm glad I didn't go to the grad ceremony last year. There would've been too many things that I would not have wanted to see, like you, like her, like people moving on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. There's the promise of graduation this year, but like all things, it feels lonely.

But really, this isn't about graduation. This is about those fateful days, and my impending doom. The fear of what would happen if one should ever find out the dark secrets I'm hiding, the impossibility of the future in my mind, the truths that elude me. Confound my greed.

2 Years and Counting..

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you more than I can say or understand. I love that we're like an old married couple, but yet we talk of new and exciting things, like getting married, our first mortgage, children, adoption, as though they're such normal things. I love that you don't shirk away from the topic of commitment to me, and that you tell me I'm the one you want to spend the rest of my life with. I get mad at you and think about walking away sometimes, it's true, but I can't bring myself to. I don't know what a life without you would be like, miserable, probably. You make me laugh more than any person I know, and we talk so freely about stupid things. I love the way we go out in public and make ugly faces at each other just so we can laugh about the looks people are giving us. I love that you're independent and you don't think of your father's wealth as your own at all. I love the way you take care of your family, because I know that's the way you'll take care of ours.

I love you, because we're right for each other.

Oh, also, I love that I know you so well inside and out, because everytime you lie, it's probably not obvious to anybody but me. So, that helps a lot, cos I'll just call you out on it and you usually know there's no way out COS I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.