I've never wanted so badly to be different. Or perhaps I have and I've simply forgotten. I think at the time it was more an issue of existence, rather than projecting my being onto another person's existence. It's not so much that I want to be like any one particular person I meet, but I'd rather be a mash of them all. When I adore my friends, I want to be like them. In some ways, I feel it's a shabby means of drawing one's identity. It falls apart too quickly and there are too many variables. Too many ideals and too many people to idealise. And soon it starts to feel like despair, not knowing and always being confused about who you want to be. It's not that I don't like who I am, don't get me wrong, but there's always the allure of being someone else and living some other life. It's more about not being yourself, even if just for a moment. And soon enough the moment will be gone, and you'll go back to trudging through your daily life and enjoying the little things that make you who you are - like mopping the floors at 4 am and knowing very thoroughly that it's a very you thing to do.
On a side note, it's gotten to the point now where if I tell Alex that I'm not at work for the day, he says "okay, sorry, get back to cleaning". Am I that predictable? I guess I just can't help myself, but I do feel very good about cleaning up most of the house today. I actually got the kitchen cupboard organizing done today, which I've been putting off and off and off. But it really only took about ten minutes and just all the willpower in the world. It feels so good that it's done though! It's like ripping off a band aid. You just put it off and off and off and then when it's done you realise you should have just done it earlier because it was so easy! And it made you feel so good! But this is a concept that is lost on Ivan. It's difficult to get him to do ANY housework. And I wouldn't mind doing it all if we were married and he was supporting me. I mind a little bit now that I'm doing it all, but I really don't think I would if we were husband and wife. I'm old fashioned, but to me it's probably my "duty". Having a maid would be nice, just to get the grungy stuff out of the way, then I get to focus on organizing, which is really my forte.
I'm pretty tired today. I managed to organize, dust, sweep and vacuum the living room, ditto on the kitchen (including organizing the kitchen cupboard shelves according to appropriate food categories) and cleaning the toilet bowl and wiping the veneers. Of course, the whole time I was cleaning the toilet bowl I was having a conversation with myself in a full British accent. Very reminiscent of the days I used to walk home from school and argue with myself in British accents. A little insane, but it did help me practice my oral skills back then and I attribute my keenness on the accent to practicing so much. And it helps me affirm that I'm crazy as well. That's always a useful trait to have on hand.
"Why did you not pay your rent?"
"Oh, you know. I'm crazy."
"Oh, I see. Well, alright then."
There's still so much to do, but I feel better about today. I'm not sure why I ended up feeling so lost but there really is just too much to do, and I'm spending too much time avoiding doing it all.
Time to start the daily grind.
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