In a way, I detest that your music is exactly what I like. Because then I can never erase you. And because I cannot erase you, I cannot reverse my life to what it was like before you appeared. What a dilemma hey? You think I'd be more concerned about things like getting a job.. or.. figuring out the purpose of my life.. but no. I'm sitting here indulging myself in auditory goodness and feeling absolutely disgustingly guilty for it. Particularly because my partner is not willing in the least. But then again we don't share musical commonality, so that's not a surprise, either way.

I just keep hoping that your heart opens.

I've never wanted so badly to be different. Or perhaps I have and I've simply forgotten. I think at the time it was more an issue of existence, rather than projecting my being onto another person's existence. It's not so much that I want to be like any one particular person I meet, but I'd rather be a mash of them all. When I adore my friends, I want to be like them. In some ways, I feel it's a shabby means of drawing one's identity. It falls apart too quickly and there are too many variables. Too many ideals and too many people to idealise. And soon it starts to feel like despair, not knowing and always being confused about who you want to be. It's not that I don't like who I am, don't get me wrong, but there's always the allure of being someone else and living some other life. It's more about not being yourself, even if just for a moment. And soon enough the moment will be gone, and you'll go back to trudging through your daily life and enjoying the little things that make you who you are - like mopping the floors at 4 am and knowing very thoroughly that it's a very you thing to do.

On a side note, it's gotten to the point now where if I tell Alex that I'm not at work for the day, he says "okay, sorry, get back to cleaning". Am I that predictable? I guess I just can't help myself, but I do feel very good about cleaning up most of the house today. I actually got the kitchen cupboard organizing done today, which I've been putting off and off and off. But it really only took about ten minutes and just all the willpower in the world. It feels so good that it's done though! It's like ripping off a band aid. You just put it off and off and off and then when it's done you realise you should have just done it earlier because it was so easy! And it made you feel so good! But this is a concept that is lost on Ivan. It's difficult to get him to do ANY housework. And I wouldn't mind doing it all if we were married and he was supporting me. I mind a little bit now that I'm doing it all, but I really don't think I would if we were husband and wife. I'm old fashioned, but to me it's probably my "duty". Having a maid would be nice, just to get the grungy stuff out of the way, then I get to focus on organizing, which is really my forte.

I'm pretty tired today. I managed to organize, dust, sweep and vacuum the living room, ditto on the kitchen (including organizing the kitchen cupboard shelves according to appropriate food categories) and cleaning the toilet bowl and wiping the veneers. Of course, the whole time I was cleaning the toilet bowl I was having a conversation with myself in a full British accent. Very reminiscent of the days I used to walk home from school and argue with myself in British accents. A little insane, but it did help me practice my oral skills back then and I attribute my keenness on the accent to practicing so much. And it helps me affirm that I'm crazy as well. That's always a useful trait to have on hand.

"Why did you not pay your rent?"
"Oh, you know. I'm crazy."
"Oh, I see. Well, alright then."

There's still so much to do, but I feel better about today. I'm not sure why I ended up feeling so lost but there really is just too much to do, and I'm spending too much time avoiding doing it all.

Time to start the daily grind.

See? The moment I admitted the problem was there, it kinda tried to resolve itself! God has created something really marvelous in the way the world works.

Revelation

Here are some things about me I never knew:

1. I like money. But not directly. Because I like buying things, and that requires money, I indirectly like money.

2. I have my ways of getting it, which may or may not be conscious.

3. I have something in me that makes people want to spend money on me, although for the moment is limited to mostly family members that love me very much. Something about me makes people willing to part with their money.

4. If I work on it conscientiously, learn how to read people, toughen up and work hard, I can get people to give me their money.

5. I can make it as a realtor, given my honest nature, effervescent personality and good ethics.

I might have a future after all!

A couple of these things were a little shocking for me, but I guess looking at the big picture's the important thing. It's hard to reconcile how I feel about myself these days.. I'm probably at an all time low as far as self confidence goes. I'm almost unsure of my ability to have ANY kind of real job.. and this is including office administration jobs. I just don't believe I can do any of these things well. I have fears these days of being robbed on streets, pickpocketed, and of getting fired from any job I apply to.

Why am I surrounded by fear?

To top all things off, (and this is the first time I'm admitting it) I think I'm drifting a little further from God everyday. I'm forgetting what it means to be a child of God, and what His promises are. It's not that I'm starting to lose my belief that God exists. That will probably be the one thing in my life I will ALWAYS believe (the evidence is just too great), but I certainly don't know what it means anymore.

There are just too many things I need to do.. and the problem is that I think too much about doing things, and don't spend enough time DOING them. PITA.

Feel more lost than ever. I don't know where to begin. Life? Boyfriend? Career? Money? Job? School? Family?

About this job thing, it's not that I don't want a job. It's not that I don't want to go and just kickstart my life and go back to get a masters in education or my real estate license or any of those things, but it is very frustrating for me when people try to tell me what to do. Why does it have to be that if I want to do any of these things, I have to be pushed into it by people who are not even prevalent in my life? I don't want to do these things for anybody else. As and when I choose to do them, it will be for me, and I'll be extremely sure that these are the things I want to do and that I am doing them for myself and nobody else. I spent 5 years doing something for somebody else, and now I'm ready to start doing things for me. So I am not procrastinating, I am waiting patiently for the time when the excitement of telling me what to do dies down for everybody else and I get to decide for myself what I'm doing and what I want to do. And I'm not imagining anything. My mum has forcefully told me that I owe her and I need to do these things by a certain date. I'm not angry about it but I do feel very much like she is still trying to control me. But I think I have made it very clear that I am not going to be pushed into it. In the meantime, why is it that I can't do small, simple jobs?

I'm also very frustrated at my relationship. This, I'm less willing to talk about. And because of that, I am becoming more and more unclear at what is going on. I need to sit down somewhere, write about it and think it through on my own.

Everything put together is really driving me to the point where I don't even want to run away and escape. I want to be a different person altogether. I guess that is an escape in its own way, although if I leave, I will not think of coming back. Sometimes I just get so angry at how things have been put together in my life. I want to redo a lot of things, undo a lot of hurt and give myself a better shot at life. I think I've had enough of this crap.

The Bitching.

I'm not even sure what I would have to say about this now, and everything that I initially thought I wanted to say, on hindsight, just makes me seem like I'm being defensive. I am probably only going to highlight the couple of things that led to this problem, or rather, this resolution and let the rest remain the way it is. No need to dig up dirty laundry that doesn't need to be aired, right?

1. I was trying to be nice. He talked to me first and offered to do me a favour with which I really needed help. So I thought I'd be nice back and invite him to hang out in a group. Can't see where I'm wrong here.

2. You were spending all your time pretending to be happy as a single person dating rich hot guys with lots of money. If I was really your friend, which I've always been, why was it so hard to tell me the truth? One honest line from you and I would probably not even have talked to him if you wanted me to. But it is what it is.

3. High school much?

Inertia

It's too easy, too easy to get sucked into the despair that accompanies unemployment, lack of job prospects, bills to pay and no hope for a stable future anytime soon. It's too easy to be jealous of all the girls out there getting 20K a month from their parents to travel, eat drink sleep and be merry, and on top of that they live in gorgeous houses and will never have to worry about paying a mortgage. It is too easy to despair and too difficult to be just right. I really hate money and dealing with it. Having, owing, spending, saving, earning.. none of these things are easy and I feel like so many people can't relate, and the ones that can are doing okay. It's mostly me. I don't like to talk to people who would understand these problems because I just fall into the motions of silence. It sucks to stay home, it sucks to go to a job that doesn't pay well, it sucks to need a place to live and the fear of being homeless. It feels like I'm a little out of options. I have bills to pay, household chores to do, work to do, skills to learn, a job to get, and nothing is falling into place.

If problems were raindrops, I'm definitely in a rainstorm.

I'm so mad about so many things right now, or perhaps mad isn't the right word. Sometimes when I take a bath I just want to duck under and not come up. I want the silence that comes when water fills my ears and to feel that pang in my chest just go away. It is difficult to be anything, even dead.