I can't wait to get a job. I really hope that I'll be able to join H company sometime soon, if I don't mess up at the interview. I've already started writing down the questions and answers and I've been practicing in the shower, but I'm really not have that productive of a week. Unpacking the house after the move, basically on my own, kind of burnt me out. And it's not even done. It's more the mentality that I've sort of plateau-ed in terms of what I can do on my own, and the rest I really need help with but I can't seem to get it, to really have a productive day in a team with my boyfriend to get things done.

I'm so tired of arguing. I'm not just tired of arguing, I'm tired of not being heard. Sometimes I feel I have no voice in this relationship and to say anything at all, to even be physically heard but not understood, I feel I have to yell. If he knows I'm upset and he doesn't feel like listening to it, even if I have presented it in a way that is really reasonable, that is catering to his understanding and needs as a man, he will just walk away from me. Walk away from me, or give me short, casual replies as though what I'm saying is of no significance or importance to him. It's frustrating and makes me want to implode, self destruct just so I don't have to deal with the wake of destruction that comes with me trying to express myself in a less-than-reasonable way. If you say you love someone, why can't you respect them enough to stop and listen for a bit to understand what they are trying to say to you. It's not arguing if one person doesn't even talk, barely even listens to understand..

I finished reading the five love languages. I really feel neglected in this relationship. Yes, my love tank is suffering. It's draining. I know there are things he does for me out of love, and I force myself to see these and acknowledge them, but there are many times that he lets me know that he's not really *that* happy about doing those things, like picking me up. He's always giving me that resigned sigh of "can't you just bus/skytrain home"? Yes, of course I can, but I didn't even twist your arm or really even ask in any kind of aggressive way if you could pick me up. You offered and now you're here, showing me how much better you'd feel if I'd gone home on my own. For sure I could have, but why are you treating me like this? And when you say to me in that tired voice "but I did it anyway, didn't I"? Yes, yes you did it, but along with that comes the endless voice in my head accusing me of "forcing you to do something you didn't want to do" when really, I didn't at all. I just want you to see my point of view sometimes, to really understand or try to understand me, to do things that you hate doing and that are difficult for you to do just because you love me and you want me to be happy! Is it that difficult for you to find a different way to say you love me every day? Unless you don't love me, it shouldn't be all that difficult. Love is a choice. You can't help yourself if you fall in love with me, but you can make choices to show you love me, like trying to tell me you love me. Choosing to tell me every day a new way in which you love me or a new thing you love about me. It is a choice, and I will no longer accept that it is "not who I am" because you don't even try to be different. That acceptance of your failure to fulfill my emotional needs is what kills my belief that you really do love me the way you insist you do. How can I believe it?