Yes, it's so bad to be depressed. To feel an anger and rage swirling around in the depths of your brain that radiates out your limbs and makes you want to break a bone or two, all the while singing "He will come and save you" in your head. To hear that sigh, to know it means "No.. not this again" and to feel an emptiness all around you. Not just within you but around you, as though those who are meant to be there really don't want to be, and you are physically alone. When I hear that sigh, I just want to run as fast as I can and as far as I can, so that I burden nobody with this shit that I'm going through? Sounds so ridiculous and self pitying, but it's the truth. It's so hard to live in this place with this body and this mind and not feel that either I need to have my own apartment or that he needs to move out.

I'm going to run away.

Sunday Nights

Sunday nights are a little like family nights right now, and it's such a blessing. No, it's not my family and it's not Ivan's family, but they are our family in Christ. It's really Ian's family, and they've welcomed us into their home with such gusto.. every Sunday there's a home cooked meal by Uncle Poh Suan that just speaks volume about how hospitable they are. They've hosted us every week for as long as Alpha has been going (with a few weeks in between where they're away, or we can't make it) but it's been so awesome to be at their house that even on the weeks when we're not having Alpha per se, we still go over to hang out. It's become a Sunday night routine that I don't think I'll ever be willing to give up. That's our family away from home.

Funny Quotes of the day!

Me: Can you say something to make me swoon?
Ivan: Wtf? Doesn’t swoon have the same meaning as swell? Can you make me swell??
Me: nnNNGnFNFFFfGGNNN!!!!

Later...

Me: I wish I had abs.
Ivan: Everyone has abs. Seriously. Everyone. They're just underneath. looks at me Except maybe you. immediately lowers his head for imminent clawing to begin
And of course, instead of clawing him, I burst out in laughter at how well I've trained him.

If today could be the only day in my life where I get to be in a different universe, in a different realm as a different problem, and I get to shed my life, just for a day, it'd be today.

It's been a long time since I've felt this kind of tiredness take over my body and my soul. I simply cannot move.

I would like to leave. I would like to leave.

Who is this Lord?

Who is this Lord, who knows me so. Who is this Lord who has taken away all anguish and all pain from my body and my mind, even after I tried everything before Him and did not turn to Him? When all the drugs in the world and all the therapy and all the human comfort in the world did nothing to change my life, He gave me His breath of life, and I am reborn. There are just so many things I have too many words for, too many thoughts I cannot pen quickly enough, and everyday my life and my mind are filled with a myriad of praises for His good word, for His good love and for His amazing and perfect will. God just brings me to my knees, and yet He raises me up. Everything in my life, good or bad in the initial have all worked out exactly as He intended. Perhaps not in the way He intended, but He has brought me closer to Him each time. Every issue I have tried to skirt, every pain I thought would not be healed, He has taken them all under His wing and changed my life. I cannot, simply cannot convince myself that Jesus, my Lord and saviour, does not exist. My mind, my body, my soul and my spirit cannot comprehend this concept any longer, no matter the foul depths of hell I might be in. I have experienced His living waters, and there is no turning back. This is my life, this is my God, this is everything I am meant to be. Amen.

I guess in some way I miss my university years? The early ones, at least. 1st, 2nd and even 3rd year. But everything after was pretty much hell. Even falling in and out of love was hell.. everything before was freedom and pure self indulgence, which is why I guess I miss it. It's hard to be at the point now where I do things simply because I want to. Everything is a reason to do the "right" thing and not what I want. It's too easy to be bad and too difficult to be good, but I guess that's where God comes in.

When people stop talking to me for ages and ages, and if I've made conscious efforts time and again to contact them, I just kinda give up. I don't like being a backseat friend.

In a way, I detest that your music is exactly what I like. Because then I can never erase you. And because I cannot erase you, I cannot reverse my life to what it was like before you appeared. What a dilemma hey? You think I'd be more concerned about things like getting a job.. or.. figuring out the purpose of my life.. but no. I'm sitting here indulging myself in auditory goodness and feeling absolutely disgustingly guilty for it. Particularly because my partner is not willing in the least. But then again we don't share musical commonality, so that's not a surprise, either way.