The sting and the burn that is rejection.

It's really hard to leave your comfort zone, acquire new friends in a faraway place, change your lifestyle, your thoughts, the way you speak, then encounter losing all those friends (literally all) and then thinking you could find new friends through your boyfriend, doing everything you can to be on the same page as them, be hospitable to them, nice to them all the time, tolerate being the only one to not understand a word they speak and being told to "shut up" all the time, only to find out, you'll never really be a part of that group. They'll still just always be someone else's friends. If I didn't have any of my own friends left I wouldn't give a shit and I wouldn't be so sad about the fact that the people I thought I was actually becoming friends with are just.. well, what can I do? So here's my hiatus. My break. I'm pulling myself away from the group because it just fucking hurts that people are going out of their way to make me feel like I don't belong.

It's time for me to figure out who I am without friends - something really hard for me, since I've said that life would be meaningless without friends.

Impossible Germany

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

Wherever you go
Wherever you land
I'll say what this means to me
I'll do what I can

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

The fundamental problem
We all need to face
This is important
But I know you're not listening
Oh I know you're not listening

If this was still new to me
I wouldn't understand

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

But this is what love is for
To be out of place
Gorgeous and alone
Face to face

With no larger problems
That need to be erased
Nothing more important than to know
Someone's listening
Now I know
You'll be listening

Songs and their Effect

It's funny that all it takes it one song to remind me that I'm glad I didn't go to the grad ceremony last year. There would've been too many things that I would not have wanted to see, like you, like her, like people moving on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. There's the promise of graduation this year, but like all things, it feels lonely.

But really, this isn't about graduation. This is about those fateful days, and my impending doom. The fear of what would happen if one should ever find out the dark secrets I'm hiding, the impossibility of the future in my mind, the truths that elude me. Confound my greed.

Ivan the Disney Princess

While we were watching "Sleeping Beauty", at the scene where she walks to the forest and starts singing to the birds..

Ivan: Do you know that this is the movie that made me want to make my birds do that? I stuck my hand in their cage and they started freaking out and flapping all over the cage.

Me: OH MY GOD YOU WANTED TO BE A DISNEY PRINCESS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG!!!!!!! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!


P.S. I know the photo isn't of Sleeping Beauty, but I made him do the exact same hand pose as he did when he was talking (grudgingly, for the photo above) and that's the best matching disney princess photo I can find.

Tri-glycerides

Me: You're a stupid triglyceride!
Ivan: Is that a dinosaur?

In Bruges

Ken: Comin' up?
Ray: What's up there?
Ken: The view.
Ray: The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here.
Ken: Ray, you're about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn't, so it doesn't.

I'm in a very bad slump.

Fuck me. There's nobody around to witness my descent into madness, nobody I can cling onto for sanity. Where's everybody? Why is it so lonely in my world?