Again. Another night of video games till 5 am. Your excuse was "the game didn't let us save. We were very tired too but we just had to finish it". Wait. What? WHY did you HAVE to finish it? Would there be dire consequences? Would the world end? Would you get a fine? NO! There are no REAL LIFE CONSEQUENCES to you not finishing your freaking game!!! And on the other hand? Who's left with these lonely bouts of weekend mornings, wondering when all the things she's been promised will be fulfilled? When you fucking choose to spend hours like that, precious hours that I don't even have with you, with your best friend playing video games till 5 in the morning, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND WITH OPEN ARMS AND TELL YOU THAT "YEAH BABY, IT'S OKAY, SLEEP TILL 4 PM, I'LL JUST DO ALL THESE THINGS BY MYSELF". I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!

It's really not cool that time and again, you so easily choose things over me. Time with your best friend doing unproductive things. Yeah, once in awhile is fine, but not when you've fucking promised to do something the next day. PROMISED. ACTUALLY PROMISED. NOT JUST AGREED TO BUT PROMISED. Do I consider it love? And then you say "you should know that I love you anyway" but how can I do that when you're not doing anything that shows me you love me? You do all the easy things, like kiss me, hug me.. say "I love you" but as soon as it gets a little bit tough, you just complain. Or shut down. What means more? The easy things you do for someone or the hard things? It's not as though I enjoy doing all the dishes or cooking every night. I guess I don't really MIND it but it's not something I would jump up and do, but I do it because I love you and I know that would make your life easier and you'd be happier! I've said it before. I'm not your maid, yet I've not really gotten in your face about you not doing your part around the house! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! YOU TALK ABOUT COMPROMISES, BUT WHERE ARE YOURS?!

I'm really up to my neck with it. I'm about to completely shut down in frustration. Can't talk because I'll yell, can't yell because I won't make any sense. So what's my only option? To shut down and not give half a damn about what you're doing.

I can't wait to get a job. I really hope that I'll be able to join H company sometime soon, if I don't mess up at the interview. I've already started writing down the questions and answers and I've been practicing in the shower, but I'm really not have that productive of a week. Unpacking the house after the move, basically on my own, kind of burnt me out. And it's not even done. It's more the mentality that I've sort of plateau-ed in terms of what I can do on my own, and the rest I really need help with but I can't seem to get it, to really have a productive day in a team with my boyfriend to get things done.

I'm so tired of arguing. I'm not just tired of arguing, I'm tired of not being heard. Sometimes I feel I have no voice in this relationship and to say anything at all, to even be physically heard but not understood, I feel I have to yell. If he knows I'm upset and he doesn't feel like listening to it, even if I have presented it in a way that is really reasonable, that is catering to his understanding and needs as a man, he will just walk away from me. Walk away from me, or give me short, casual replies as though what I'm saying is of no significance or importance to him. It's frustrating and makes me want to implode, self destruct just so I don't have to deal with the wake of destruction that comes with me trying to express myself in a less-than-reasonable way. If you say you love someone, why can't you respect them enough to stop and listen for a bit to understand what they are trying to say to you. It's not arguing if one person doesn't even talk, barely even listens to understand..

I finished reading the five love languages. I really feel neglected in this relationship. Yes, my love tank is suffering. It's draining. I know there are things he does for me out of love, and I force myself to see these and acknowledge them, but there are many times that he lets me know that he's not really *that* happy about doing those things, like picking me up. He's always giving me that resigned sigh of "can't you just bus/skytrain home"? Yes, of course I can, but I didn't even twist your arm or really even ask in any kind of aggressive way if you could pick me up. You offered and now you're here, showing me how much better you'd feel if I'd gone home on my own. For sure I could have, but why are you treating me like this? And when you say to me in that tired voice "but I did it anyway, didn't I"? Yes, yes you did it, but along with that comes the endless voice in my head accusing me of "forcing you to do something you didn't want to do" when really, I didn't at all. I just want you to see my point of view sometimes, to really understand or try to understand me, to do things that you hate doing and that are difficult for you to do just because you love me and you want me to be happy! Is it that difficult for you to find a different way to say you love me every day? Unless you don't love me, it shouldn't be all that difficult. Love is a choice. You can't help yourself if you fall in love with me, but you can make choices to show you love me, like trying to tell me you love me. Choosing to tell me every day a new way in which you love me or a new thing you love about me. It is a choice, and I will no longer accept that it is "not who I am" because you don't even try to be different. That acceptance of your failure to fulfill my emotional needs is what kills my belief that you really do love me the way you insist you do. How can I believe it?

累

我已經累壞了。失去的東西也不能挽回。已經太遲了。隨著時間的過去，我們的愛情也變得越來越複雜。

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Yes, it's so bad to be depressed. To feel an anger and rage swirling around in the depths of your brain that radiates out your limbs and makes you want to break a bone or two, all the while singing "He will come and save you" in your head. To hear that sigh, to know it means "No.. not this again" and to feel an emptiness all around you. Not just within you but around you, as though those who are meant to be there really don't want to be, and you are physically alone. When I hear that sigh, I just want to run as fast as I can and as far as I can, so that I burden nobody with this shit that I'm going through? Sounds so ridiculous and self pitying, but it's the truth. It's so hard to live in this place with this body and this mind and not feel that either I need to have my own apartment or that he needs to move out.

I'm going to run away.

Sunday Nights

Sunday nights are a little like family nights right now, and it's such a blessing. No, it's not my family and it's not Ivan's family, but they are our family in Christ. It's really Ian's family, and they've welcomed us into their home with such gusto.. every Sunday there's a home cooked meal by Uncle Poh Suan that just speaks volume about how hospitable they are. They've hosted us every week for as long as Alpha has been going (with a few weeks in between where they're away, or we can't make it) but it's been so awesome to be at their house that even on the weeks when we're not having Alpha per se, we still go over to hang out. It's become a Sunday night routine that I don't think I'll ever be willing to give up. That's our family away from home.

Funny Quotes of the day!

Me: Can you say something to make me swoon?
Ivan: Wtf? Doesn’t swoon have the same meaning as swell? Can you make me swell??
Me: nnNNGnFNFFFfGGNNN!!!!

Later...

Me: I wish I had abs.
Ivan: Everyone has abs. Seriously. Everyone. They're just underneath. looks at me Except maybe you. immediately lowers his head for imminent clawing to begin
And of course, instead of clawing him, I burst out in laughter at how well I've trained him.

If today could be the only day in my life where I get to be in a different universe, in a different realm as a different problem, and I get to shed my life, just for a day, it'd be today.

It's been a long time since I've felt this kind of tiredness take over my body and my soul. I simply cannot move.

I would like to leave. I would like to leave.