Feel more lost than ever. I don't know where to begin. Life? Boyfriend? Career? Money? Job? School? Family?

About this job thing, it's not that I don't want a job. It's not that I don't want to go and just kickstart my life and go back to get a masters in education or my real estate license or any of those things, but it is very frustrating for me when people try to tell me what to do. Why does it have to be that if I want to do any of these things, I have to be pushed into it by people who are not even prevalent in my life? I don't want to do these things for anybody else. As and when I choose to do them, it will be for me, and I'll be extremely sure that these are the things I want to do and that I am doing them for myself and nobody else. I spent 5 years doing something for somebody else, and now I'm ready to start doing things for me. So I am not procrastinating, I am waiting patiently for the time when the excitement of telling me what to do dies down for everybody else and I get to decide for myself what I'm doing and what I want to do. And I'm not imagining anything. My mum has forcefully told me that I owe her and I need to do these things by a certain date. I'm not angry about it but I do feel very much like she is still trying to control me. But I think I have made it very clear that I am not going to be pushed into it. In the meantime, why is it that I can't do small, simple jobs?

I'm also very frustrated at my relationship. This, I'm less willing to talk about. And because of that, I am becoming more and more unclear at what is going on. I need to sit down somewhere, write about it and think it through on my own.

Everything put together is really driving me to the point where I don't even want to run away and escape. I want to be a different person altogether. I guess that is an escape in its own way, although if I leave, I will not think of coming back. Sometimes I just get so angry at how things have been put together in my life. I want to redo a lot of things, undo a lot of hurt and give myself a better shot at life. I think I've had enough of this crap.

The Bitching.

I'm not even sure what I would have to say about this now, and everything that I initially thought I wanted to say, on hindsight, just makes me seem like I'm being defensive. I am probably only going to highlight the couple of things that led to this problem, or rather, this resolution and let the rest remain the way it is. No need to dig up dirty laundry that doesn't need to be aired, right?

1. I was trying to be nice. He talked to me first and offered to do me a favour with which I really needed help. So I thought I'd be nice back and invite him to hang out in a group. Can't see where I'm wrong here.

2. You were spending all your time pretending to be happy as a single person dating rich hot guys with lots of money. If I was really your friend, which I've always been, why was it so hard to tell me the truth? One honest line from you and I would probably not even have talked to him if you wanted me to. But it is what it is.

3. High school much?

Inertia

It's too easy, too easy to get sucked into the despair that accompanies unemployment, lack of job prospects, bills to pay and no hope for a stable future anytime soon. It's too easy to be jealous of all the girls out there getting 20K a month from their parents to travel, eat drink sleep and be merry, and on top of that they live in gorgeous houses and will never have to worry about paying a mortgage. It is too easy to despair and too difficult to be just right. I really hate money and dealing with it. Having, owing, spending, saving, earning.. none of these things are easy and I feel like so many people can't relate, and the ones that can are doing okay. It's mostly me. I don't like to talk to people who would understand these problems because I just fall into the motions of silence. It sucks to stay home, it sucks to go to a job that doesn't pay well, it sucks to need a place to live and the fear of being homeless. It feels like I'm a little out of options. I have bills to pay, household chores to do, work to do, skills to learn, a job to get, and nothing is falling into place.

If problems were raindrops, I'm definitely in a rainstorm.

I'm so mad about so many things right now, or perhaps mad isn't the right word. Sometimes when I take a bath I just want to duck under and not come up. I want the silence that comes when water fills my ears and to feel that pang in my chest just go away. It is difficult to be anything, even dead.

You're gonna need a new TV.

Alex: Do you like futureshop? Or Bestbuy?

DAMN IT! GO CELTICS!!!!

Familial Obligations

If there is one thing that I understand least about Ivan, it's probably his lack of concern regarding opinions of his family members. About a lot of things and most certainly regarding his relationships. He hides a lot from them, perhaps not in a rude or defiant way, but he feels that his life is his own and therefore any decisions he makes regarding any aspects of his life are his own to make. Which is not untrue, this holds a lot of weight, but as someone who came from a family where familial opinions are important, where any decision I make is not really my own to make and my seniors are upset if I don't heed their advice (given out of love), it's hard for me to understand how he can so easily say that it is his own problem. Really, are the decisions we make "our own problem"? They do affect those around us, especially when our loved ones have to watch us make mistakes. But I suppose that for the simple things such as music choices, it's really out of love that our parents and elders should allow us to make our mistakes. I don't really know how to reconcile this. If his parents were to oppose our getting married, I wouldn't do it, even though Ivan says that it's his choice, I'm his life and this is the way he wants to have it. He says it's our problem and not that of his parents or family members. But I don't think that I could join a family where I'm not wanted, and I'd have to concede that his family must see something that they deem unsuitable. It would be unfair and unwise to ignore what they say for the sake of "love". It's not love to ignore good advice. But, I am grateful for his sincerity and his commitment, it makes my days fresh and my love renewed. This is, after all, a day and age where the cheating spouse is a rampant issue. I am glad to have Ivan.

I don't know why, but every time Ivan leaves Vancouver, I IMMEDIATELY become bored. Even before he leaves on the plane, I'll find myself really restless. I don't know what to do with myself, and I wish that all the things that need to be done while he's away would just get done, such as the housework. I hate doing housework when he's away, but it's the only thing other than applying for jobs that I think would suffice as jobs for my spare time. It is truly a pain in the ass. But I don't want to complain, I just want to get things done. I think the real problem lies in the fact that after 2 days, when he returns, I know it's going to go back to the state it was in. I don't know why my inertia is so high when he's around, and why I'm okay with mess and grime when he's here. It's horrid! I'm not okay with it, really, but it just happens to be there and I just happen to live with it. Which is basically being okay with it, I suppose.

I will clean the house when he is away. And I hope he'll help me keep it clean when he returns. In the meantime, since there are only so many things I can do, I shall try to go out and keep my mind as sane as possible. I NEED TO GET PAID, COME NOW, THURSDAY.

Also, the place I work for keeps calling me to tell me there's no work. This is very troubling because they did promise a certain number of hours of work and now it's not happening. I don't know whether or not to kick up a fuss.

King Kong?

Ivan: "Godzilla is an iguana?? I thought he was a monkey. Oh wait, that's King Kong."