Familial Obligations

If there is one thing that I understand least about Ivan, it's probably his lack of concern regarding opinions of his family members. About a lot of things and most certainly regarding his relationships. He hides a lot from them, perhaps not in a rude or defiant way, but he feels that his life is his own and therefore any decisions he makes regarding any aspects of his life are his own to make. Which is not untrue, this holds a lot of weight, but as someone who came from a family where familial opinions are important, where any decision I make is not really my own to make and my seniors are upset if I don't heed their advice (given out of love), it's hard for me to understand how he can so easily say that it is his own problem. Really, are the decisions we make "our own problem"? They do affect those around us, especially when our loved ones have to watch us make mistakes. But I suppose that for the simple things such as music choices, it's really out of love that our parents and elders should allow us to make our mistakes. I don't really know how to reconcile this. If his parents were to oppose our getting married, I wouldn't do it, even though Ivan says that it's his choice, I'm his life and this is the way he wants to have it. He says it's our problem and not that of his parents or family members. But I don't think that I could join a family where I'm not wanted, and I'd have to concede that his family must see something that they deem unsuitable. It would be unfair and unwise to ignore what they say for the sake of "love". It's not love to ignore good advice. But, I am grateful for his sincerity and his commitment, it makes my days fresh and my love renewed. This is, after all, a day and age where the cheating spouse is a rampant issue. I am glad to have Ivan.

I don't know why, but every time Ivan leaves Vancouver, I IMMEDIATELY become bored. Even before he leaves on the plane, I'll find myself really restless. I don't know what to do with myself, and I wish that all the things that need to be done while he's away would just get done, such as the housework. I hate doing housework when he's away, but it's the only thing other than applying for jobs that I think would suffice as jobs for my spare time. It is truly a pain in the ass. But I don't want to complain, I just want to get things done. I think the real problem lies in the fact that after 2 days, when he returns, I know it's going to go back to the state it was in. I don't know why my inertia is so high when he's around, and why I'm okay with mess and grime when he's here. It's horrid! I'm not okay with it, really, but it just happens to be there and I just happen to live with it. Which is basically being okay with it, I suppose.

I will clean the house when he is away. And I hope he'll help me keep it clean when he returns. In the meantime, since there are only so many things I can do, I shall try to go out and keep my mind as sane as possible. I NEED TO GET PAID, COME NOW, THURSDAY.

Also, the place I work for keeps calling me to tell me there's no work. This is very troubling because they did promise a certain number of hours of work and now it's not happening. I don't know whether or not to kick up a fuss.

King Kong?

Ivan: "Godzilla is an iguana?? I thought he was a monkey. Oh wait, that's King Kong."

The Science of Loneliness

It's strange to be alone. It's strange to lose your best friend to distance, to both be falling in love and not know a thing about each other's love lives. It's sad to be so far away, both physically and emotionally, to have lost touch with each other in more ways than one, but saddest of all, it's sad to grow old apart.

It's really difficult to have a best friend who doesn't keep in touch with you! :(

Some days I confuse myself. I feel so alone because nobody seems to care much, but at the same time, those who are caring are really just bothering the crap out of me. Leave me alone! I don't need your do-gooder advice. The view is just lovely from where I am.

Sometimes I wonder why the ache in my heart is so severe and prominent. I don't want to love you if it hurts this much. I don't want to be the one who loves you more. I don't want to live like this.. Is it wrong for me to expect more sensitivity from you during this time when you know I'm in pain and fear?

I too, want to go away..

UBC Fail

I am so tired of sub-standard teaching assistants. I am also very very tired of UBC Professors not reciprocating the effort that students put into their homework. It is unfair for me to spend >10 hours per assignment to have you spend 1 minute telling me that because my FINAL answer of my FINAL question is wrong, I only deserve 50% on the assignment. What the fuck is this shit?! When you have this kind of a marking scheme, don't try to give me that bullshit about TA's hours being distributed evenly. WHY the FUCK would it take them 2 hours to mark the assignments of 80 students when all they're doing is putting a tick next to the final NUMERICAL answer? Why should I bother writing a 150 word summary of my methodology if you're not even going to look at it? Isn't the point of the methodology so that you don't have to look at my code? Isn't that already enough as far as a simplification of the marking process?! You bloody lazy fuckers!

And YOU, PROFESSOR. I come to you with my dilemma. Every student in 2nd year that gets a copy of the one student's homework, the one student who finished the only problem you're going to mark, they all get 100%. Don't fucking give me the excuse that you can't curb cheating. You know what you CAN do? MARK FAIRLY. Seriously, why are your TAs putting such shit effort in, and wtf are you doing in the meantime? Also, if I come to you about this, I EXPECT YOU TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Don't tell me that you can't curb cheating and there's nothing you can do about my grade. FIX THE PROBLEM, DAMN YOU! Every other prof would, what's wrong with you?!

I've never been in a class where I pump 10+ hours into the assignment and get a 50%. This is probably the SHITTIEST and laziest marking scheme I have ever come across in my whole academic career. And the fact that you arbitrarily take 50% off my final grade for the assignment because you were too lazy to read through my answer really pisses me off.

Piece of shit. Don't make me argue with you over my grade again. Next time, I'll go for the beard and pull it right off your smug little face. You don't deserve to be a TA if you can't be bothered to work.

When does my real life start?

Why do I always feel like I'm in trouble?? I don't have bad spending habits, but I always have to feel bad about money I'm spending. This is why I cannot wait to start my real life.