Saturday, January 21, 2012

Again. Another night of video games till 5 am. Your excuse was "the game didn't let us save. We were very tired too but we just had to finish it". Wait. What? WHY did you HAVE to finish it? Would there be dire consequences? Would the world end? Would you get a fine? NO! There are no REAL LIFE CONSEQUENCES to you not finishing your freaking game!!! And on the other hand? Who's left with these lonely bouts of weekend mornings, wondering when all the things she's been promised will be fulfilled? When you fucking choose to spend hours like that, precious hours that I don't even have with you, with your best friend playing video games till 5 in the morning, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND WITH OPEN ARMS AND TELL YOU THAT "YEAH BABY, IT'S OKAY, SLEEP TILL 4 PM, I'LL JUST DO ALL THESE THINGS BY MYSELF". I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!

It's really not cool that time and again, you so easily choose things over me. Time with your best friend doing unproductive things. Yeah, once in awhile is fine, but not when you've fucking promised to do something the next day. PROMISED. ACTUALLY PROMISED. NOT JUST AGREED TO BUT PROMISED. Do I consider it love? And then you say "you should know that I love you anyway" but how can I do that when you're not doing anything that shows me you love me? You do all the easy things, like kiss me, hug me.. say "I love you" but as soon as it gets a little bit tough, you just complain. Or shut down. What means more? The easy things you do for someone or the hard things? It's not as though I enjoy doing all the dishes or cooking every night. I guess I don't really MIND it but it's not something I would jump up and do, but I do it because I love you and I know that would make your life easier and you'd be happier! I've said it before. I'm not your maid, yet I've not really gotten in your face about you not doing your part around the house! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! YOU TALK ABOUT COMPROMISES, BUT WHERE ARE YOURS?!

I'm really up to my neck with it. I'm about to completely shut down in frustration. Can't talk because I'll yell, can't yell because I won't make any sense. So what's my only option? To shut down and not give half a damn about what you're doing.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I can't wait to get a job. I really hope that I'll be able to join H company sometime soon, if I don't mess up at the interview. I've already started writing down the questions and answers and I've been practicing in the shower, but I'm really not have that productive of a week. Unpacking the house after the move, basically on my own, kind of burnt me out. And it's not even done. It's more the mentality that I've sort of plateau-ed in terms of what I can do on my own, and the rest I really need help with but I can't seem to get it, to really have a productive day in a team with my boyfriend to get things done.

I'm so tired of arguing. I'm not just tired of arguing, I'm tired of not being heard. Sometimes I feel I have no voice in this relationship and to say anything at all, to even be physically heard but not understood, I feel I have to yell. If he knows I'm upset and he doesn't feel like listening to it, even if I have presented it in a way that is really reasonable, that is catering to his understanding and needs as a man, he will just walk away from me. Walk away from me, or give me short, casual replies as though what I'm saying is of no significance or importance to him. It's frustrating and makes me want to implode, self destruct just so I don't have to deal with the wake of destruction that comes with me trying to express myself in a less-than-reasonable way. If you say you love someone, why can't you respect them enough to stop and listen for a bit to understand what they are trying to say to you. It's not arguing if one person doesn't even talk, barely even listens to understand..

I finished reading the five love languages. I really feel neglected in this relationship. Yes, my love tank is suffering. It's draining. I know there are things he does for me out of love, and I force myself to see these and acknowledge them, but there are many times that he lets me know that he's not really *that* happy about doing those things, like picking me up. He's always giving me that resigned sigh of "can't you just bus/skytrain home"? Yes, of course I can, but I didn't even twist your arm or really even ask in any kind of aggressive way if you could pick me up. You offered and now you're here, showing me how much better you'd feel if I'd gone home on my own. For sure I could have, but why are you treating me like this? And when you say to me in that tired voice "but I did it anyway, didn't I"? Yes, yes you did it, but along with that comes the endless voice in my head accusing me of "forcing you to do something you didn't want to do" when really, I didn't at all. I just want you to see my point of view sometimes, to really understand or try to understand me, to do things that you hate doing and that are difficult for you to do just because you love me and you want me to be happy! Is it that difficult for you to find a different way to say you love me every day? Unless you don't love me, it shouldn't be all that difficult. Love is a choice. You can't help yourself if you fall in love with me, but you can make choices to show you love me, like trying to tell me you love me. Choosing to tell me every day a new way in which you love me or a new thing you love about me. It is a choice, and I will no longer accept that it is "not who I am" because you don't even try to be different. That acceptance of your failure to fulfill my emotional needs is what kills my belief that you really do love me the way you insist you do. How can I believe it?