In a way, I detest that your music is exactly what I like. Because then I can never erase you. And because I cannot erase you, I cannot reverse my life to what it was like before you appeared. What a dilemma hey? You think I'd be more concerned about things like getting a job.. or.. figuring out the purpose of my life.. but no. I'm sitting here indulging myself in auditory goodness and feeling absolutely disgustingly guilty for it. Particularly because my partner is not willing in the least. But then again we don't share musical commonality, so that's not a surprise, either way.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
I just keep hoping that your heart opens.
I've never wanted so badly to be different. Or perhaps I have and I've simply forgotten. I think at the time it was more an issue of existence, rather than projecting my being onto another person's existence. It's not so much that I want to be like any one particular person I meet, but I'd rather be a mash of them all. When I adore my friends, I want to be like them. In some ways, I feel it's a shabby means of drawing one's identity. It falls apart too quickly and there are too many variables. Too many ideals and too many people to idealise. And soon it starts to feel like despair, not knowing and always being confused about who you want to be. It's not that I don't like who I am, don't get me wrong, but there's always the allure of being someone else and living some other life. It's more about not being yourself, even if just for a moment. And soon enough the moment will be gone, and you'll go back to trudging through your daily life and enjoying the little things that make you who you are - like mopping the floors at 4 am and knowing very thoroughly that it's a very you thing to do.
On a side note, it's gotten to the point now where if I tell Alex that I'm not at work for the day, he says "okay, sorry, get back to cleaning". Am I that predictable? I guess I just can't help myself, but I do feel very good about cleaning up most of the house today. I actually got the kitchen cupboard organizing done today, which I've been putting off and off and off. But it really only took about ten minutes and just all the willpower in the world. It feels so good that it's done though! It's like ripping off a band aid. You just put it off and off and off and then when it's done you realise you should have just done it earlier because it was so easy! And it made you feel so good! But this is a concept that is lost on Ivan. It's difficult to get him to do ANY housework. And I wouldn't mind doing it all if we were married and he was supporting me. I mind a little bit now that I'm doing it all, but I really don't think I would if we were husband and wife. I'm old fashioned, but to me it's probably my "duty". Having a maid would be nice, just to get the grungy stuff out of the way, then I get to focus on organizing, which is really my forte.
I'm pretty tired today. I managed to organize, dust, sweep and vacuum the living room, ditto on the kitchen (including organizing the kitchen cupboard shelves according to appropriate food categories) and cleaning the toilet bowl and wiping the veneers. Of course, the whole time I was cleaning the toilet bowl I was having a conversation with myself in a full British accent. Very reminiscent of the days I used to walk home from school and argue with myself in British accents. A little insane, but it did help me practice my oral skills back then and I attribute my keenness on the accent to practicing so much. And it helps me affirm that I'm crazy as well. That's always a useful trait to have on hand.
"Why did you not pay your rent?"
"Oh, you know. I'm crazy."
"Oh, I see. Well, alright then."
There's still so much to do, but I feel better about today. I'm not sure why I ended up feeling so lost but there really is just too much to do, and I'm spending too much time avoiding doing it all.
Time to start the daily grind.
On a side note, it's gotten to the point now where if I tell Alex that I'm not at work for the day, he says "okay, sorry, get back to cleaning". Am I that predictable? I guess I just can't help myself, but I do feel very good about cleaning up most of the house today. I actually got the kitchen cupboard organizing done today, which I've been putting off and off and off. But it really only took about ten minutes and just all the willpower in the world. It feels so good that it's done though! It's like ripping off a band aid. You just put it off and off and off and then when it's done you realise you should have just done it earlier because it was so easy! And it made you feel so good! But this is a concept that is lost on Ivan. It's difficult to get him to do ANY housework. And I wouldn't mind doing it all if we were married and he was supporting me. I mind a little bit now that I'm doing it all, but I really don't think I would if we were husband and wife. I'm old fashioned, but to me it's probably my "duty". Having a maid would be nice, just to get the grungy stuff out of the way, then I get to focus on organizing, which is really my forte.
I'm pretty tired today. I managed to organize, dust, sweep and vacuum the living room, ditto on the kitchen (including organizing the kitchen cupboard shelves according to appropriate food categories) and cleaning the toilet bowl and wiping the veneers. Of course, the whole time I was cleaning the toilet bowl I was having a conversation with myself in a full British accent. Very reminiscent of the days I used to walk home from school and argue with myself in British accents. A little insane, but it did help me practice my oral skills back then and I attribute my keenness on the accent to practicing so much. And it helps me affirm that I'm crazy as well. That's always a useful trait to have on hand.
"Why did you not pay your rent?"
"Oh, you know. I'm crazy."
"Oh, I see. Well, alright then."
There's still so much to do, but I feel better about today. I'm not sure why I ended up feeling so lost but there really is just too much to do, and I'm spending too much time avoiding doing it all.
Time to start the daily grind.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Revelation
Here are some things about me I never knew:
1. I like money. But not directly. Because I like buying things, and that requires money, I indirectly like money.
2. I have my ways of getting it, which may or may not be conscious.
3. I have something in me that makes people want to spend money on me, although for the moment is limited to mostly family members that love me very much. Something about me makes people willing to part with their money.
4. If I work on it conscientiously, learn how to read people, toughen up and work hard, I can get people to give me their money.
5. I can make it as a realtor, given my honest nature, effervescent personality and good ethics.
I might have a future after all!
A couple of these things were a little shocking for me, but I guess looking at the big picture's the important thing. It's hard to reconcile how I feel about myself these days.. I'm probably at an all time low as far as self confidence goes. I'm almost unsure of my ability to have ANY kind of real job.. and this is including office administration jobs. I just don't believe I can do any of these things well. I have fears these days of being robbed on streets, pickpocketed, and of getting fired from any job I apply to.
Why am I surrounded by fear?
To top all things off, (and this is the first time I'm admitting it) I think I'm drifting a little further from God everyday. I'm forgetting what it means to be a child of God, and what His promises are. It's not that I'm starting to lose my belief that God exists. That will probably be the one thing in my life I will ALWAYS believe (the evidence is just too great), but I certainly don't know what it means anymore.
There are just too many things I need to do.. and the problem is that I think too much about doing things, and don't spend enough time DOING them. PITA.
1. I like money. But not directly. Because I like buying things, and that requires money, I indirectly like money.
2. I have my ways of getting it, which may or may not be conscious.
3. I have something in me that makes people want to spend money on me, although for the moment is limited to mostly family members that love me very much. Something about me makes people willing to part with their money.
4. If I work on it conscientiously, learn how to read people, toughen up and work hard, I can get people to give me their money.
5. I can make it as a realtor, given my honest nature, effervescent personality and good ethics.
I might have a future after all!
A couple of these things were a little shocking for me, but I guess looking at the big picture's the important thing. It's hard to reconcile how I feel about myself these days.. I'm probably at an all time low as far as self confidence goes. I'm almost unsure of my ability to have ANY kind of real job.. and this is including office administration jobs. I just don't believe I can do any of these things well. I have fears these days of being robbed on streets, pickpocketed, and of getting fired from any job I apply to.
Why am I surrounded by fear?
To top all things off, (and this is the first time I'm admitting it) I think I'm drifting a little further from God everyday. I'm forgetting what it means to be a child of God, and what His promises are. It's not that I'm starting to lose my belief that God exists. That will probably be the one thing in my life I will ALWAYS believe (the evidence is just too great), but I certainly don't know what it means anymore.
There are just too many things I need to do.. and the problem is that I think too much about doing things, and don't spend enough time DOING them. PITA.
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