Yes, it's so bad to be depressed. To feel an anger and rage swirling around in the depths of your brain that radiates out your limbs and makes you want to break a bone or two, all the while singing "He will come and save you" in your head. To hear that sigh, to know it means "No.. not this again" and to feel an emptiness all around you. Not just within you but around you, as though those who are meant to be there really don't want to be, and you are physically alone. When I hear that sigh, I just want to run as fast as I can and as far as I can, so that I burden nobody with this shit that I'm going through? Sounds so ridiculous and self pitying, but it's the truth. It's so hard to live in this place with this body and this mind and not feel that either I need to have my own apartment or that he needs to move out.

I'm going to run away.

Sunday Nights

Sunday nights are a little like family nights right now, and it's such a blessing. No, it's not my family and it's not Ivan's family, but they are our family in Christ. It's really Ian's family, and they've welcomed us into their home with such gusto.. every Sunday there's a home cooked meal by Uncle Poh Suan that just speaks volume about how hospitable they are. They've hosted us every week for as long as Alpha has been going (with a few weeks in between where they're away, or we can't make it) but it's been so awesome to be at their house that even on the weeks when we're not having Alpha per se, we still go over to hang out. It's become a Sunday night routine that I don't think I'll ever be willing to give up. That's our family away from home.

Funny Quotes of the day!

Me: Can you say something to make me swoon?
Ivan: Wtf? Doesn’t swoon have the same meaning as swell? Can you make me swell??
Me: nnNNGnFNFFFfGGNNN!!!!

Later...

Me: I wish I had abs.
Ivan: Everyone has abs. Seriously. Everyone. They're just underneath. looks at me Except maybe you. immediately lowers his head for imminent clawing to begin
And of course, instead of clawing him, I burst out in laughter at how well I've trained him.