The sting and the burn that is rejection.

It's really hard to leave your comfort zone, acquire new friends in a faraway place, change your lifestyle, your thoughts, the way you speak, then encounter losing all those friends (literally all) and then thinking you could find new friends through your boyfriend, doing everything you can to be on the same page as them, be hospitable to them, nice to them all the time, tolerate being the only one to not understand a word they speak and being told to "shut up" all the time, only to find out, you'll never really be a part of that group. They'll still just always be someone else's friends. If I didn't have any of my own friends left I wouldn't give a shit and I wouldn't be so sad about the fact that the people I thought I was actually becoming friends with are just.. well, what can I do? So here's my hiatus. My break. I'm pulling myself away from the group because it just fucking hurts that people are going out of their way to make me feel like I don't belong.

It's time for me to figure out who I am without friends - something really hard for me, since I've said that life would be meaningless without friends.

Impossible Germany

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

Wherever you go
Wherever you land
I'll say what this means to me
I'll do what I can

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

The fundamental problem
We all need to face
This is important
But I know you're not listening
Oh I know you're not listening

If this was still new to me
I wouldn't understand

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

But this is what love is for
To be out of place
Gorgeous and alone
Face to face

With no larger problems
That need to be erased
Nothing more important than to know
Someone's listening
Now I know
You'll be listening

Songs and their Effect

It's funny that all it takes it one song to remind me that I'm glad I didn't go to the grad ceremony last year. There would've been too many things that I would not have wanted to see, like you, like her, like people moving on with their lives, while I'm stuck behind. There's the promise of graduation this year, but like all things, it feels lonely.

But really, this isn't about graduation. This is about those fateful days, and my impending doom. The fear of what would happen if one should ever find out the dark secrets I'm hiding, the impossibility of the future in my mind, the truths that elude me. Confound my greed.

Ivan the Disney Princess

While we were watching "Sleeping Beauty", at the scene where she walks to the forest and starts singing to the birds..

Ivan: Do you know that this is the movie that made me want to make my birds do that? I stuck my hand in their cage and they started freaking out and flapping all over the cage.

Me: OH MY GOD YOU WANTED TO BE A DISNEY PRINCESS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG!!!!!!! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!


P.S. I know the photo isn't of Sleeping Beauty, but I made him do the exact same hand pose as he did when he was talking (grudgingly, for the photo above) and that's the best matching disney princess photo I can find.

Tri-glycerides

Me: You're a stupid triglyceride!
Ivan: Is that a dinosaur?

In Bruges

Ken: Comin' up?
Ray: What's up there?
Ken: The view.
Ray: The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here.
Ken: Ray, you're about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn't, so it doesn't.

I'm in a very bad slump.

Fuck me. There's nobody around to witness my descent into madness, nobody I can cling onto for sanity. Where's everybody? Why is it so lonely in my world?

Crisis in Retrospect

I'm currently experiencing a high level of anxiety related to the fact that I just, without thinking too much about it, sent my resignation in to my employer. I don't know what she's going to think when she sees it or what she's going to say to me on tuesday, but there's been so much pressure on me to do it that wasn't going to go away without me actually going through with it. So as much as people say I had a choice, I didn't either. I can't live with this kind of anxiety and pressure on me, so it's better for me to choose the temporary anxiety of having to face her with this bomb of a problem than for me to go through the next 3 months with my family on my back. I agree with everything they said, it's just really hard for me to throw curveballs at people I feel obligated to, particularly when I can see the reasons why I would be making their lives difficult and the possible consequences. Still, it had to be done.

Anyway, so I realised I went on a shopping spree today to make myself feel better. I got 2 lipsticks from Mac and some hand creams from Crabtree and Evelyn - and a hand scrub for Ivan for our anniversary present. They threw in $28 worth of free stuff for our purchase, so I don't feel so bad. And I didn't buy anything useless, so I don't think I have anything to feel bad about.

At present, we've got 36 gigantic cookies sitting in our house from my cityflavr deal. 36 cookies. I think I'm going to have to freeze some of them or they'll just go stale. I'm cutting down on my sugars and upping my calcium intake, so it's unlikely that I'll be eating too many of those cookies, although there is calcium in milk chocolate. Anyway, it's a good addition to yoghurt, which is healthy, so I guess I can just take the good with the bad right? And dinner's on the stove, and I've got work waiting in my computer for me.

Ugh, need to make my hands stop shaking and my stomach stop churning.

Currently saving up for these:

Beats by Dr. Dre - Studio version. CAD$350

2 Years and Counting..

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you more than I can say or understand. I love that we're like an old married couple, but yet we talk of new and exciting things, like getting married, our first mortgage, children, adoption, as though they're such normal things. I love that you don't shirk away from the topic of commitment to me, and that you tell me I'm the one you want to spend the rest of my life with. I get mad at you and think about walking away sometimes, it's true, but I can't bring myself to. I don't know what a life without you would be like, miserable, probably. You make me laugh more than any person I know, and we talk so freely about stupid things. I love the way we go out in public and make ugly faces at each other just so we can laugh about the looks people are giving us. I love that you're independent and you don't think of your father's wealth as your own at all. I love the way you take care of your family, because I know that's the way you'll take care of ours.

I love you, because we're right for each other.

Oh, also, I love that I know you so well inside and out, because everytime you lie, it's probably not obvious to anybody but me. So, that helps a lot, cos I'll just call you out on it and you usually know there's no way out COS I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

What this really says is.. Slap Me.

After he decides to walk his knee into the dishwasher, this conversation follows:

I: AAAaaAAaAhHHhhHHhhhhhhh...
B: What?! What?!
I: I hit my funny bone!

And then, he immediately looks sweetly up at me and says this..

I: Did you like my pun? Fun-knee-bone?

PENGSAN!!!