Feel more lost than ever. I don't know where to begin. Life? Boyfriend? Career? Money? Job? School? Family?
About this job thing, it's not that I don't want a job. It's not that I don't want to go and just kickstart my life and go back to get a masters in education or my real estate license or any of those things, but it is very frustrating for me when people try to tell me what to do. Why does it have to be that if I want to do any of these things, I have to be pushed into it by people who are not even prevalent in my life? I don't want to do these things for anybody else. As and when I choose to do them, it will be for me, and I'll be extremely sure that these are the things I want to do and that I am doing them for myself and nobody else. I spent 5 years doing something for somebody else, and now I'm ready to start doing things for me. So I am not procrastinating, I am waiting patiently for the time when the excitement of telling me what to do dies down for everybody else and I get to decide for myself what I'm doing and what I want to do. And I'm not imagining anything. My mum has forcefully told me that I owe her and I need to do these things by a certain date. I'm not angry about it but I do feel very much like she is still trying to control me. But I think I have made it very clear that I am not going to be pushed into it. In the meantime, why is it that I can't do small, simple jobs?
I'm also very frustrated at my relationship. This, I'm less willing to talk about. And because of that, I am becoming more and more unclear at what is going on. I need to sit down somewhere, write about it and think it through on my own.
Everything put together is really driving me to the point where I don't even want to run away and escape. I want to be a different person altogether. I guess that is an escape in its own way, although if I leave, I will not think of coming back. Sometimes I just get so angry at how things have been put together in my life. I want to redo a lot of things, undo a lot of hurt and give myself a better shot at life. I think I've had enough of this crap.
