The Bitching.

I'm not even sure what I would have to say about this now, and everything that I initially thought I wanted to say, on hindsight, just makes me seem like I'm being defensive. I am probably only going to highlight the couple of things that led to this problem, or rather, this resolution and let the rest remain the way it is. No need to dig up dirty laundry that doesn't need to be aired, right?

1. I was trying to be nice. He talked to me first and offered to do me a favour with which I really needed help. So I thought I'd be nice back and invite him to hang out in a group. Can't see where I'm wrong here.

2. You were spending all your time pretending to be happy as a single person dating rich hot guys with lots of money. If I was really your friend, which I've always been, why was it so hard to tell me the truth? One honest line from you and I would probably not even have talked to him if you wanted me to. But it is what it is.

3. High school much?

Inertia

It's too easy, too easy to get sucked into the despair that accompanies unemployment, lack of job prospects, bills to pay and no hope for a stable future anytime soon. It's too easy to be jealous of all the girls out there getting 20K a month from their parents to travel, eat drink sleep and be merry, and on top of that they live in gorgeous houses and will never have to worry about paying a mortgage. It is too easy to despair and too difficult to be just right. I really hate money and dealing with it. Having, owing, spending, saving, earning.. none of these things are easy and I feel like so many people can't relate, and the ones that can are doing okay. It's mostly me. I don't like to talk to people who would understand these problems because I just fall into the motions of silence. It sucks to stay home, it sucks to go to a job that doesn't pay well, it sucks to need a place to live and the fear of being homeless. It feels like I'm a little out of options. I have bills to pay, household chores to do, work to do, skills to learn, a job to get, and nothing is falling into place.

If problems were raindrops, I'm definitely in a rainstorm.

I'm so mad about so many things right now, or perhaps mad isn't the right word. Sometimes when I take a bath I just want to duck under and not come up. I want the silence that comes when water fills my ears and to feel that pang in my chest just go away. It is difficult to be anything, even dead.